Hi. This is a normal sentence. So is this one, and at the end of this sentence there will be a normal bit of punctuation that is appropriate to the content of this sentence. <– See?

But, if that paragraph had been written with !!!ANXIETY!!! it would look something like this:

HI! THIS IS A NORMAL SENTENCE! SO IS THIS ONE! AND AT THE END OF THIS SENTENCE THERE WILL BE AN ABNORMAL BIT OF PUNCTUATION THAT IS NOT APPROPRIATE TO THE CONTENT OF THIS SENTENCE! <— SEE!

IT!S IMPORTANT TO MAKE THAT DISTINCTION BECAUSE THIS POST IS ABOUT !!!ANXIETY!!! AND WITH !!!ANXIETY!!! THERE IS NOT ONE SHRED OF NUANCE!

!!!ANXIETY!!! IS A MOTHERFUCKER! ALL MENTAL ILLNESSES ARE THEIR OWN SPECIAL HELL! BUT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH !!!ANXIETY!!! IS MY LEAST FAVORITE OF THE 3 HELLS IN MY HEADꜝ!

I!VE MENTIONED EARLIER HOW I SUFFER FROM 3 DISTINCT AND CO!OCCURRING MENTAL ILLNESSES! IT!S PRETTY COMMON IN MENTALHEALTHLANDꜝ TO HAVE MULTIPLE ISSUES!

OFTEN! HAVING A MENTAL ILLNESS CREATES THE CONDITIONS THAT LEAD TO OTHER MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS! PTSD IS A COMMON CO!OCCURRING STRUGGLE FOR DAMN NEAR EVERYONE WHO GOES THROUGH THE MENTAL HEALTH SYSTEM!

FOR PEOPLE WHO END UP HOSPITALIZED! ! ! ACTUALLY! ! ! THIS MAY BE A GOOD MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT HOW I VIEW THOSE WHO EXPERIENCE MENTAL ILLNESS!!!

WHEN IT COMES TO MENTAL ILLNESS! THERE ARE 2 TYPES OF SUFFERERS! IMO!

THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN 5150!D! OR SECTIONED AS MY MATES IN ENGLAND CALL IT! AND THOSE WHO HAVE NOT!

WHILE EVERYONE!S MENTAL ILLNESS JOURNEYS AND DIAGNOSES AND EXPERIENCE ARE VALID AND REAL! I FEEL THAT THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE IN LIFE DESTRUCTION BETWEEN THOSE WHO HAVE A SEVERE FORM AND HAVE SUCCUMBED TO THE MENTAL HEALTH SYSTEM IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! SUCH AS IT IS! VERSUS PEOPLE WHO SUFFER AND HAVE A LESS SEVERE FORM!

I ADMIT I!M A SYSTEM SNOBꜝ! YOU!VE EITHER BEEN IN THE SYSTEM OR YOU HAVEN!T! IT!S LIKE SERVING IN THE MILITARY DURING WAR TIME VERSUS PEACE TIME! BOTH ARE VETERANS! ! ! BUT ONE SAW WAR AND THE OTHER DID NOT!

ANYWAY! WHERE WAS I! AH YES! PTSD ABOUT BEING HOSPITALIZED AND HOW THE EXPERIENCE OF HAVING A MENTAL ILLNESS CAN OFTEN LEAD TO SUFFERING FROM OTHER MENTAL HEALTH CONDITIONS!

FUCK! WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH !!!ANXIETY!!! THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH !!!ANXIETY!!!! IT!S SO INTENSE AND SO LOUD AND HARD TO FOCUS ON ALL THE NOISE AT HAND! IT!S LIKE YOUR BRAIN IS JUST YELLING AT YOU AT FULL VOLUME ALL THE TIME! WHICH WOULD BE FINE IF IT WAS YELLING THINGS LIKE HOW WONDERFUL THE WORLD IS AND HOW HAPPY YOU ARE TO BE EXISTING ALL THE TIME! WOULDN!T IT BE AWESOME IF !!!ANXIETY!!! WAS HAPPY!

BUT NO!

!!!ANXIETY!!! HAS TO BE A MOTHERFUCKER!

YOU ARE CERTAIN YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE!!

FUCK I!M DYING AGAIN!

NOW AN INTERESTING THING ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESSES IS THAT PEOPLE WILL SAY THINGS TO YOU LIKE HOW THIS IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD! ! ! BUT! MENTAL ILLNESSES CAN ALSO AFFECT YOUR PHYSIOLOGY! LIKE WHEN YOU ARE DEPRESSED AND YOU DON!T BRUSH YOUR TEETH! GUESS WHAT HAPPENS! YOUR TEETH FALL OUT! GUESS IT!S NOT ALL IN YOUR HEAD IS IT!

!!!ANXIETY!!! PRODUCES PHYSIOLOGICAL EFFECTS THAT MIMIC OTHER PROBLEMS LIKE HEART ATTACKS AND STROKES! AND SO YOU CAN BE HAVING !!!ANXIETY!!! ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAS NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH YOUR HEALTH! LET!S SAY! ! ! OH! IDON!T KNOW! LET!S SAY I WAS WORRIED ABOUT FASCISM TAKING OVER MY COUNTRY! RIDICULOUS! RIGHT!

BUT! WHATEVER! I!M STRESSING ABOUT FASCISM! ! ! AND THEN SOMETHING PECULIAR STARTS TO HAPPEN! ! ! MY BREATHING GETS SHALLOW!

I START HAVING CHEST PAINS! VERY FUCKING REAL CHEST PAINS!

MY JAW STARTS HURTING! PROBABLY BECAUSE I!M CLENCHING IT BECAUSE I!M STRESSING ABOUT FASCISM! BUT NOW I!M NOT THINKING ABOUT FASCISM ANYMORE! NOW I!M WONDERING IF THIS NUMBNESS IN MY LEFT ARM IS A FURTHER SIGN LIKE THE SHORTNESS OF BREATH THE CHEST PAINS AND THE JAW PAIN! ! ! IS THE NUMBNESS IN MY ARM SIGNALING THAT I AM NOW HAVING A HEART ATTACK!

SO NOW I AM WORRIED ABOUT HAVING A HEART ATTACK!

THAT!S WHY !!!ANXIETY!!! IS A MOTHER FUCKER! IT WILL STOP YOU IN YOUR TRACKS AS INTENSELY AND AS QUICKLY AND AS BRUTALLY AS AN ACTUAL HEART ATTACK! IT WILL GIFT YOU ALL THE FEAR OF A HEART ATTACK! YOU WILL BE CERTAIN YOU ARE DYING! YOU WILL TELL PEOPLE YOU LOVE THEM AS THOUGH YOU ARE ABOUT TO BLINK OUT AND HOVERꜝ!

FUCKING EVANGELICALSꜝ THINK THAT !!!ANXIETY!!! IS A BYPRODUCT OF NOT HAVING ENOUGH FAITH! SEE! IF YOU JUST TRUSTED GOD AND YOUR SAVIOR YOU WOULDN!T BE BURDENED BY FEAR AND !!!ANXIETY!!!! JUST SEND UP A PRAYER TO THE MEGASWITCHBOARDꜝAND GOD ALMIGHTYꜝWILL ALLEVIATE ALL YOUR WORRIES!

EXCEPT GOD ALMIGHTYꜝ IS NOT INTERESTED IN STOPPING PANIC ATTACKS! BELIEVE ME I HAVE TRIED! THOSE PRAYERS SOMEHOW NEVER MANAGE TO GET ANSWERED EITHER!

!!!ANXIETY!!! ALSO HAS THIS AMAZING CHAMELEON ABILITY TO CONSTANTLY SHIFT AND CHANGE AND NEVER LOOK OR FEEL THE SAME!

EVERY TIME I HAVE THOUGHT I WAS HAVING A HEART ATTACK IT FELT COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! IT WAS NOT THE SAME SYMPTOM FEELING! WHICH IS WHY THERE IS NO PATTERN IN THE IMMEDIATE TO DISCERN! AND THIS IS WHY HAVING PEOPLE BAROMETERSꜝ IS SO IMPORTANT FOR ME! PROBABLY THE NUMBER ONE THING I TELL ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY IS THAT I MAY FROM TIME TO TIME COME TO YOU AND ASK YOU IF I LOOK OK!

!DO I LOOK OKAY!!

THIS IS ME ASKING IF I LOOK LIKE I AM DYING OF HEART ATTACK OR OTHER AILMENT! OFTEN IT IS THE PERSON TELLING ME !YOU ARE FINE! THAT GROUNDS ME! IT!S SO FUCKING STUPID! YOU FEEL LIKE AN ABSOLUTE MORON!

TECHNICALLY THE FORM OF !!!ANXIETY!!! THAT I HAVE IS CALLED PANIC DISORDER! DOESN!T THAT SOUND LIKE FUN! TO GET TO HAVE PANIC ATTACKS AND BE AFRAID OF DYING ALL THE TIME!

I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS!

IT SORT OF STOPS ALL FORWARD MOVEMENT IN LIFE!

MAKES IT A LITTLE DIFFICULT TO BE HIRED RELIABLY!

HARD TO SLEEP WHEN YOU THINK YOU!RE DYING OF A HEART ATTACK!

SO NOW WE HAVE INSOMNIA! AND THE HITS JUST KEEP COMING!

INSOMNIA IS ALSO A REAL WORLD PHYSIOLOGICAL HEALTH PROBLEM THAT IS JUST ONE OF A MYRIAD OF SYMPTOMS THAT THIS BASTARD !!!ANXIETY!!! CAN CREATE!

POINT BEING! ! ! !

!!!ANXIETY!!! SUCKS

DID I MENTION I GET !!!ANXIETY!!! WHEN I THINK ABOUT OR WORK ON THIS PROJECT!

FUN TIMES!

This is what that would have looked like normally:

It’s important to make that distinction because this post is about Anxiety and with Anxiety there is not one shred of nuance.

Anxiety is a motherfucker. All mental illnesses are their own special hell, but my relationship with Anxiety is my least favorite of the 3 Hells In My Head™

I’ve mentioned earlier how I suffer from 3 distinct and co-occurring mental illnesses. It’s pretty common in MentalHealthLand™ to have multiple issues.

Often, having a mental illness creates the conditions that lead to other mental health problems. PTSD is a common co-occurring struggle for damn near everyone who goes through the mental health system.

For people who end up hospitalized… actually… this may be a good moment to talk about how I view those who experience mental illness…

When it comes to mental illness, there are 2 types of sufferers, IMO.

Those who have been 5150’d- or sectioned as my mates in England call it- and those who have not.

While everyone’s mental illness journeys and diagnoses and experience are valid and real, I feel that there is a big difference in life destruction between those who have a severe form and succumbed to the Mental Health System in the United States of America- such as it is- versus people who suffer and have a less severe form.

I admit I’m a System Snob™. You’ve either been in the system or you haven’t, it’s like serving in the military during war time versus peace time. Both are veterans… but one saw war and the other did not.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, PTSD about being hospitalized and how the experience of having a mental illness can often lead to suffering from other mental health conditions.

Fuck. What does any of this have to do with Anxiety? This is the problem with Anxiety. It’s so intense and so loud and hard to focus on all the noise at hand. It’s like your brain is just yelling at you at full volume all the time. Which would be fine if it was yelling things like how wonderful the world is and how happy you are to be existing all the time. Wouldn’t it be awesome if Anxiety was happy?

But no.

Anxiety has to be a motherfucker.

You are CERTAIN you are ABOUT TO DIE!!

Fuck I’m dying again.

Now an interesting thing about mental illnesses is that people will say things to you like how this is all in your head… but, mental illnesses can also affect your physiology. Like when you are depressed and you don’t brush your teeth, guess what happens? Your teeth fall out. Guess it’s not all in your head is it?

Anxiety produces physiological effects that mimic other problems like heart attacks and strokes. And so you can be having Anxiety about something that has nothing whatsoever to do with your health. Let’s say… oh, I don’t know, let’s say I was worried about fascism taking over my country. Ridiculous, right?

But, whatever, I’m stressing about fascism… and then something peculiar starts to happen… my breathing gets shallow.

I start having chest pains. Very fucking REAL chest pains!

My jaw starts hurting. Probably because I’m clenching it because I’m stressing about fascism. But now I’m not thinking about fascism anymore, now I’m wondering if this numbness in my left arm is a further sign like the shortness of breath the chest pains and the jaw pain… is the numbness in my arm signaling that I am now having a heart attack?

So now I am worried about having a heart attack.

That’s why Anxiety is a motherfucker. It will stop you in your tracks as intensely and as quickly and as brutally as an actual heart attack! It will gift you all the fear of a heart attack. You will be certain you are dying. You will tell people you love them as though you are about to blink out and Hover™.

Fucking Evangelicals™ think that Anxiety is a byproduct of not having enough faith. See, if you just trusted God and your Savior you wouldn’t be burdened by fear and Anxiety. Just send up a prayer to the MegaSwitchBoard™ and God Almighty™ will alleviate all your worries.

Except God Almighty™ is not interested in stopping panic attacks. Believe me I have tried. Those prayers somehow never manage to get answered either.

Anxiety also has this amazing chameleon ability to constantly shift and change and never look or feel the same.

Every time I have thought I was having a heart attack it felt completely different. It was not the same symptom feeling. Which is why there is no pattern in the immediate to discern. And this is why having People Barometers™ is so important for me. Probably the number one thing I tell all my friends and family is that I may from time to time come to you and ask you if I look okay.

“Do I look okay?”

This is me asking if I look like I am dying of a heart attack or other ailment. Often it is the person telling me “you are fine” that grounds me, it’s so fucking stupid. You feel like an absolute moron.

Technically the form of Anxiety that I have is called Panic Disorder. Doesn’t that sound like fun? To get to have panic attacks and be afraid of dying all the time?

I do not recommend this.

It sort of stops all forward movement in life.

Makes it a little difficult to be hired reliably.

Hard to sleep when you think you’re dying of a heart attack.

So now we have insomnia. And the hits just keep coming!

Insomnia is also a real world physiological health problem that is just one of a myriad of symptoms that this bastard Anxiety can create.

Point being….

Anxiety sucks

Did I mention I get Anxiety when I think about or work on this project?

Fun times.