Broken Mirror Pt 5: Tricky Dick


Alright Sheep… gather round.

If we’re gonna talk about everything that went wrong in 1994… then we have to talk about everything. that. went. wrong. in. 1994.



Never forget that the whole purpose of this stupid effort is to try to take down a cult and stop my country from descending into fascism.



And some people defend their country with spilt blood and tissue in times of war and get medals for their valor and bravery.

I’m going to talk about my… *checks notes*… dick. not. work. ing.

dammit

Really?!? I have to do this?!?

This. is. the. sacrifice. heroes. make. in. difficult. times.

I didn’t think this could get any more uncomfortable… but here we are.

Having just visited the Library of Congress and seen Thomas Jefferson’s personal library collection and his copies of Plato and Locke that influenced the Declaration of Independence… it is my greatest hope and certain expectation that when this blog is enshrined in those hallowed halls for this epic prose that saved a nation– can’t imagine where a Psych woulda got the idea I have delusions of grandeur– it is my greatest hope that the entry about my medication related sexual dysfunction will be the one that future generations will be straining to read through bulletproof glass.

“These were the words that toppled a treasonous cult…”

– Smithsonian Display year 2135

This is the story of:

Btw why does THIS have to be the only way I can help, OldSkyDude?

Ya couldn’t have made me a physicist and let me develop a bomb or make free electricity or cure a disease?

Why can’t I be the world’s best sniper and take out the enemy from an impossible 3 mile shot?

THAT. WOULD. BE. A. WHOLE. LOT. COOLER.

You are such an asshole.

This is the story of:

That Time Nobody Bothered To Educate Me About What The Side Effects Of The Wrong Medication Would Do To Me And My Junk Stopped Working For A Year

Seriously why. can’t. I. be. a. fighter. pilot. or. astronaut?

The fuck did I have to be a goddamn mentally ill writer….

Why am I writing about this?

Because a common theme in the lives of the Fricking Evangelicals™ is their cringey inability to talk– or even think– about sex.

Like, sex is probably THE most taboo topic in EvangieLandtopia.

And things like sexual function? Why would a Religious Parent care about their teen’s sexual function? A teen isn’t supposed to be having sex in the first place. This pure innocent child will remain a virgin until their bliss-filled wedding night blah blah blah.

Look at how this cult is trying to use sex in books as way to shut down libraries in this country right now.

Book bans. Moms for Liberty invading local libraries.

These people are absolutely incapable of talking about sex. If they think about sex they feel guilty about it. And discussing masturbation? Or how your body functions? Ha!

Nobody will teach you anything about anything.

This is a cult that specializes in deprivation of information.

Anything they can’t handle thinking about… you’re not allowed to read.

This is a cult that can’t handle thinking about things SO MUCH they can’t handle OTHER PEOPLE thinking about them. How batshit crazy is that?

These are anti-First Amendment people who hide behind the First Amendment. They want that Amendment to work in their favor not yours.

And that’s why I’m gonna bring up this godawful subject.

The meds were completely fucking with me. I’m a sensitive person. Not just emotionally sensitive but sensorily sensitive.

Touch. Sound. Light. Temperature. I’m very aware of my body and when something is off or feeling weird I can’t stop fixating on it. Endlessly. For days/weeks/months/years/decades.

I’m the kid that can’t handle when the seam on your sock was in the wrong position. iykyk.

And so I’m getting Zaps and Sparkles and spasms all over my body.

One of the wrong medications I am on is called Risperdal(Risperidone).

Risperdal is an anti-psychotic medication typically used to treat schizophrenia and bipolar disorder which I don’t have.

Risperdal has many awful side effects:

  • Allergic reactions—skin rash, itching, hives, swelling of the face, lips, tongue, or throat
  • High blood sugar (hyperglycemia)—increased thirst or amount of urine, unusual weakness or fatigue, blurry vision
  • High fever, stiff muscles, increased sweating, fast or irregular heartbeat, and confusion, which may be signs of neuroleptic malignant syndrome
  • High prolactin level—unexpected breast tissue growth, discharge from the nipple, change in sex drive or performance, irregular menstrual cycle
  • Infection—fever, chills, cough, or sore throat
  • Low blood pressure—dizziness, feeling faint or lightheaded, blurry vision
  • Pain or trouble swallowing
  • Prolonged or painful erection
  • Seizures
  • Stroke—sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm, or leg, trouble speaking, confusion, trouble walking, loss of balance or coordination, dizziness, severe headache, change in vision
  • Thoughts of suicide or self-harm, worsening mood, feelings of depression
  • Uncontrolled and repetitive body movements, muscle stiffness or spasms, tremors or shaking, loss of balance or coordination, restlessness, shuffling walk, which may be signs of extrapyramidal symptoms (EPS)

Snagged that list somewhere. I’d like to direct your attention to that last symptom there.

What are extrapyramidal symptoms?

^ click link to save me ink.



Doesn’t that sound like fun? To be constantly twitching and moving uncontrollably all the time. Oh also, you’re moving uncontrollably all the time WHILE I’m also heavily, heavily sedated and hardly able to move with Lithium.

The metaphor here is a vibrator in the “on” position trapped in concrete.

Now there’s another very interesting symptom buried in all that text.

Prolonged or painful erection.

It’s literally unfair that I’m not a first responder writing about the time I saved a baby trapped in a well while a nation gathered in prayer and unity.

The issue here is not the painful erection that never goes away OR the fact that someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder will probably not be able to stop thinking about this new permanent addition to my wardrobe every day.

jesus fucking christ I hate this stupid blog so much ffs

*takes 10 minute walk*

The greater problem here is that a side effect buried up above is a pesky little side effect that it would not occur to Religious Parents or Doctors to inform an EffinEvangieKid™ about.

High prolactin level—unexpected breast tissue growth, discharge from the nipple, change in sex drive or performance, irregular menstrual cycle.

That kinda vague part “change in sex drive or performance”.

How wonderfully not specific that wording is. That’s code for libido loss and/or anorgasmia.

What’s anorgasmia, Dave?

Why do I have to be the person to educate the masses here?

Why isn’t there a Fred Rogers clip I can link to where he calmly explains to all of us how sometimes on certain medications you will not be able to have an orgasm.

“Mr. Rogers? Why are orgasms important?”

“Well, little Billy, remember how moments ago we learned about painful erections that won’t go away? Orgasms make the painful erections go away.”

“What happens if you can’t orgasm when you have a painful hours-long boner, Mr Rogers?”

“I think it’s time to go to a commercial little Billy.”

“What happens when a 17 year old kid with a PermaBoner™ and an inability to orgasm is visiting his grandparents at the lake house where everyone’s in bikinis and swimsuits all day long and internet porn doesn’t exist yet?”

*insert commercial jingle*

Keep in mind… nobody told me that things were not gonna… uh… work.

I got to discover this slowly over months as the one final life experience I could predicktably rely on for a cheap dopamine hit when life sucks was… well… ya know…. handling things.

And I would learn that things were not working when layers of skin came off in places where layers of skin should. not. come. off.

The blood was a nice touch, OldSkyDude.

I don’t remember if it was my poor Grandmother discovering the porn stash I had shoplifted that was the reason the police were called to this idyllic lake retreat that 6 generations of my family had a cottage at for a century...

But that might have been the reason.

It might have also been a half dozen other reasons that summer.

I was a total mess.

But this is the kinda multi-generation bougie lake crowd that does. not. like. negative. attention.

And little christian boys aren’t supposed to be thinking of things like sex in AnchorBabyLand™.

What do you do when you are a 17 year old kid and the meds you are on are literally destroying everything about your body? And literally one of the only positive dopamine hits I can give myself… is to… uh… ya know.

THAT THING I COULD RELY ON I CAN NOT RELY ON ANYMORE.

For like… a year.

And this situation sucks so much that I’m kinda painted into corners where I’m making endless bad life decisions that are having consequences like cops and now after the family gets back from the vacation I ruined I’m informed by my Religious Parent that my Grandparents, who I adore, do not want me coming back to the Lake again.

The losses keep piling up, L’il Davey Boy™. Hemorrhaging family relationships left and right.

Lost school. Slowly Losing the radio show. Lost going to my favorite place on earth to see my favorite people. Lost my ability to fricking masturbate. Lost my ability to swallow food.

It’s impossible to describe just how thorough and total the destruction of my life was. There was no area unscathed. My teeth would be affected by the extreme dry mouth symptoms I was having. I used to have no cavities. Had perfect teeth.

After this year? My teeth damn near rotted out my mouth and I’ve had years of dental work done; cavities and root canals gifted to me years later by a bad diagnosis in December 1993 that led to the year from hell of 1994.

Every day I felt like I’d been hit by a truck.

And there was ZERO good happening in my life.



My parents are at their wit’s end *rimshot*.

And the anger I’m experiencing is hard to describe. Like, do you know how angry you get having a PermaBoner™ and trying to masturbate until you bleed and being unable to finish. FOR A WHOLE DAMN YEAR?

It’s embarrassing to talk about.

It’s hell to put this into words knowing fans of Jimmy Fucking Barclay are gonna know about the year my dick didn’t work.

But at the heart of this problem was an example of an intentional withholding of information. A choice to keep a person illiterate and ignorant. So they are not informed of what’s happening to them leading them to make terrible decisions of desperation.

This is a core behavior of the Fricking Evangelicals™.

Keep people illiterate and ignorant. About everything.


Maybe if I knew that anorgasmia was part of the sexual dysfunction along with my ever-at-attention new sundial I would have given myself a break instead of self-hated so much.

Because this is going to have massive consequences soon.

Scroll back up to that list of symptoms.

Second to last. What’s that say?

Thoughts of suicide or self-harm, worsening mood, feelings of depression

A bad diagnosis of assuming that I am bipolar and schizoaffective has led me to be prescribed the wrong medication for my mental health condition(s).

I am a person with Early Onset Major Depression and CPTSD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Panic Disorder.

And I am panicking over the fact that my dick doesn’t work anymore… and I am obsessing about that while also feeling tremendously Depressed as I am slowly recovering from two suicide attempts and now I have a drug in my brain where one of the listed side effects is:

Thoughts of suicide or self-harm, worsening mood, feelings of depression.

Does that sound like a drug a depressed person should be taking?

Does that sound like a drug that someone with a recent history of suicide attempts should take?

Literacy matters.

Education matters.

History matters.

And learning about history by using tools of literacy… this stuff matters.

It’s worth fighting for.

It’s worth embarrassing oneself for.

And how many other kids were going through this stuff with no one to talk about?

When tools of literacy are misapplied no matter whether the intentions are good or whether they are bad…. the end results can be similarly disastrous.

As we will soon find out.

Suicide. Addiction. Bad Kid School. Therapy. Legal Problems. Suspended from School . Still Faces. Bad Kid Friends. Losing Families. Anger. Destruction of Property. Parental Manipulation. Discrimination. High School Dropout. Disappointing Generations of Relatives. Shoplifting. Cops Called. Brutal Side Effects From Medications. Tardive Dyskinesia. Tremors. Dry throat. The World’s Most Painful PermaBoner™. Genetalia Failya.

**SMASHY! SMASH!! SMASH!!!**

Half the mirror rests in a pile at my feet.

But, half remains.

*btw Yes, everything’s working fine now.
Thank you for inquiring.


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6 responses to “Broken Mirror Pt 5: Tricky Dick”

  1. Amy Avatar
    Amy

    That last line is *the best*! Absolutely perfect. Thank you (again) for continuing to tell your story, even the embarrassing parts.

    1. dave Avatar

      *bows*

      It’s my greatest hope that the concept of PermaBoners™ is taught to every man, woman, and child in our nation and around the world.

      Let. Freedom. Ring.

  2. Kate P Avatar
    Kate P

    Oh my goodness. To not even KNOW that the medication was the reason?

  3. David K Johnson Avatar
    David K Johnson

    PermaBoner is 100% a better name than whatever the medical term is.

    1. dave Avatar

      I’m working to get that to be the medically accepted terminology.

      *Doctor enters room w/ patient*

      *looks at chart*

      “Unfortunately BobTimChadKyle, it looks like you have what’s known in the medical field as a PermaBoner™. Is there anyone you would like us to call to come get you? Here’s a pamphlet on the Grief process.”

  4. Devon Avatar
    Devon

    Dave, you are braver than any US Marine. Not that it’s a high bar to clear, but you really put yourself on the line and I respect it terribly. It is, indeed, a confusing and panicky time to wind up on medications that affect you like that and to logically assume that you yourself are the cause of your own problems because of all your bad flaws, but I’m glad that you made it out the other side. Imagine a world where children were able to actually receive informed consent on these things!

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