Bad. Life. Choices. Pt 1


*walks outside*


*sits down on bench in garden*

*lights another cigarette*

!!ZAP!!

been a month since the last attempt

visited relatives back east for the holidays

dont remember much

!!ZAP!!

i do not like these medications

!!ZAP!!

hard to think

everything is molasses

and i keep !!ZAP!!

getting these electric flashes

they don’t hurt

but they hurt

they stun you

my brain tazer

flashes and sparkles

and my mouth is always dry

so dry i cant sleep

i should start keeping a pitcher of water by the bed at night

!!SpArkLe!!



what the heck was i just thinking about

!!SpArkLeZZAAPP!!

what the heck was i just thinking about

*leg muscle starts spasming*

….

….

*flicks cigarette*

*watches ash fall to ground*

*an ant crafts a new route around the ash pile*

Mom and Dad are arguing and stressed because of me

the hospital bills are expensive

they shoulda just let me die

expensive to keep living

now i guess i have to live otherwise what did they spend the money on

but i hate living

i hate being alive

this planet sucks

and everyone on it sucks

except for hal and corey and katie and will

and I don’t wanna be here no more

!!ZAP!!

the heck was I just thinking about

can’t stop shaking my legs

the dang things won’t stop moving

and yet i cant move

never been like this before

constantly twitchy and constantly exhausted

!!SpArkLe!!

have not been back to school since the first attempt

none of my friends seem to have noticed

nobody has called

i guess i didnt matter

they shoulda just let me die

they sent somebody to tell me to do homework

guess i am homeschooled now

hard to care about school when death is a viable option

!!ZAP!!

the heck was i just thinking about

*notices cigarette has burnt out*

*drops butt*

*lights another cigarette*

i honestly do not know why i started smoking these stupid things

but i can not stop

cigarettes are like crack

why did i start smoking

that was stupid

*flicks ash*

*watches it fall to ground*

!!SpArkLe!!

how did I get hooked so fast

easier to get cigarettes than nicotine gum

as a minor

gonna die soon anyway

probably wont live long enough for lung cancer

im 16 what the heck do i know about anything i just tried to die

twice

i tried to die twice

which is one more than i thought i would need

and i still failed

such a failure i failed at killing myself twice

am i an attempted murderer now

gods not gonna like that

not like he tried to stop me or anything

twice

am i an attempted serial killer now

the unintended consequences of surviving

*flicks ash*

nobody from church has been by

nobody

we made meals for people with back injuries and cancer

nobody makes meals for me

!!ZAPsPaRkLe!!

the heck was I just thinking about

oh yeah nobody made meals for my family

we are on our own

seems unfair

guess god doesnt love me no more

am i going to hell

is that why the church wont help

am i a bad guy now

i didnt think about that when i did it

was just trying to make it stop hurting

*drops butt*

*lights another cigarette*

!!ZAP!!

whats that

religious parent is trying to tell me something

hard to !!SpArkLe!!

focus

what

what did you just say

focus called

do they want me again

they said what

what did they say

they said hal died

hal died

what happened

i want to go to the funeral

what do you mean they don’t want me to go

why cant i go

i just told him i loved him i want to go to the funeral

why cant i go

!!ZAP!!

the heck was i just thinking about

hal

hal died

why am i not crying

i should be crying because hal died and i loved him very much

i cant cry

i cant cry

*flicks ash*

*watches it fall to ground*

hal died
and
i cant cry

!!ZAP!!

!!SpArkLe!!

!!ZAP!!



6 responses to “Bad. Life. Choices. Pt 1”

  1. This is so hard to read. Living through it, revisiting it, working to heal . . . those are infinitely harder. Thank you for being brave enough to continue living, continuing telling your story. Dave, I’m glad you’re still here.

  2. Shit, this is what I was expecting from the last post. When you were talking about the year and the month, about telling Hal you loved him, I realized with a horrific dread where the timeline had placed us. This timing is so much worse. I could never write enough words to express my sorrow for you over how this all shook out.

    • “I realized with a horrific dread where the timeline had placed us…”

      mwahahahahahahahahahahaha

      MWAHAHAHAHA

      oh how this sentence brings me artistic joy

  3. Hey Dave,

    A friend of mine linked me your blog and I’ve been catching up on your story so far. What a wild ride – I’m glad you are still here to tell it. I recently went public with my deconversion (or deconstruction, whatever the word is now) and reading this blog has been a closure for me, in a sense. We were a super conservative evangelical family (barely even wanted to use that term) and we didn’t even own a television! So my Saturday morning “cartoons” were in the form of evangelical kid’s radio programs. I grew up with AiO, among other programs, and Jimmy was always one of my favorite characters (next to Eugene, sorry!). I loved his overactive animation, a couple of later episodes that stick out to me (I don’t remember the titles) – the one where he wants to be a paramedic and the one where Donna adopts an ugly dog. Also Aloha Oy of course – still great fun! It’s crazy to see what you were going through at the time – although it doesn’t surprise me that no one was really there for you (sadly), evangelicals sure don’t care about kids as much as they claim to, that’s for sure. Also interesting to learn the reason why Eugene “left” the show for a while. Anyway, I’ve been rambling enough. Just wanted to say I appreciate you speaking out about your experiences and I hope for all the best!

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