*walks outside*
*sits down on bench in garden*
*lights another cigarette*
!!ZAP!!
been a month since the last attempt
visited relatives back east for the holidays
dont remember much
!!ZAP!!
i do not like these medications
!!ZAP!!
hard to think
everything is molasses
and i keep !!ZAP!!
getting these electric flashes
they don’t hurt
but they hurt
they stun you
my brain tazer
flashes and sparkles
and my mouth is always dry
so dry i cant sleep
i should start keeping a pitcher of water by the bed at night
!!SpArkLe!!
…
…
what the heck was i just thinking about
…
…
!!SpArkLeZZAAPP!!
…
…
what the heck was i just thinking about
…
…
*leg muscle starts spasming*
….
….
*flicks cigarette*
*watches ash fall to ground*
*an ant crafts a new route around the ash pile*
…
…
Mom and Dad are arguing and stressed because of me
the hospital bills are expensive
they shoulda just let me die
expensive to keep living
now i guess i have to live otherwise what did they spend the money on
but i hate living
i hate being alive
this planet sucks
and everyone on it sucks
except for hal and corey and katie and will
and I don’t wanna be here no more
!!ZAP!!
…
…
the heck was I just thinking about
…
…
can’t stop shaking my legs
the dang things won’t stop moving
and yet i cant move
never been like this before
constantly twitchy and constantly exhausted
!!SpArkLe!!
…
…
have not been back to school since the first attempt
…
…
none of my friends seem to have noticed
…
…
nobody has called
…
…
i guess i didnt matter
…
…
they shoulda just let me die
…
…
they sent somebody to tell me to do homework
guess i am homeschooled now
…
…
hard to care about school when death is a viable option
…
…
!!ZAP!!
the heck was i just thinking about
*notices cigarette has burnt out*
*drops butt*
…
…
*lights another cigarette*
…
…
i honestly do not know why i started smoking these stupid things
…
…
but i can not stop
cigarettes are like crack
why did i start smoking
that was stupid
*flicks ash*
*watches it fall to ground*
…
…
!!SpArkLe!!
how did I get hooked so fast
…
…
easier to get cigarettes than nicotine gum
as a minor
…
…
gonna die soon anyway
probably wont live long enough for lung cancer
…
…
im 16 what the heck do i know about anything i just tried to die
…
…
twice
i tried to die twice
which is one more than i thought i would need
and i still failed
…
…
such a failure i failed at killing myself twice
am i an attempted murderer now
…
…
gods not gonna like that
not like he tried to stop me or anything
…
…
twice
…
…
am i an attempted serial killer now
…
…
the unintended consequences of surviving
…
…
*flicks ash*
…
…
nobody from church has been by
…
…
nobody
…
…
we made meals for people with back injuries and cancer
…
…
nobody makes meals for me
!!ZAPsPaRkLe!!
…
…
the heck was I just thinking about
…
…
oh yeah nobody made meals for my family
we are on our own
…
…
seems unfair
…
…
guess god doesnt love me no more
…
…
am i going to hell
is that why the church wont help
am i a bad guy now
i didnt think about that when i did it
was just trying to make it stop hurting
…
…
*drops butt*
*lights another cigarette*
…
…
!!ZAP!!
…
…
whats that
…
…
religious parent is trying to tell me something
…
…
hard to !!SpArkLe!!
focus
…
…
what
…
…
what did you just say
…
…
focus called
…
do they want me again
…
they said what
…
…
what did they say
…
they said hal died
…
hal died
…
what happened
…
…
i want to go to the funeral
…
…
what do you mean they don’t want me to go
…
…
why cant i go
…
…
i just told him i loved him i want to go to the funeral
…
…
why cant i go
…
…
!!ZAP!!
…
…
the heck was i just thinking about
…
…
hal
…
…
hal died
…
…
why am i not crying
…
…
i should be crying because hal died and i loved him very much
…
…
i cant cry
…
…
i cant cry
…
…
*flicks ash*
*watches it fall to ground*
…
…
hal died
and
i cant cry
…
…
!!ZAP!!
!!SpArkLe!!
!!ZAP!!
6 responses to “Bad. Life. Choices. Pt 1”
This is so hard to read. Living through it, revisiting it, working to heal . . . those are infinitely harder. Thank you for being brave enough to continue living, continuing telling your story. Dave, I’m glad you’re still here.
Thank you for the words of encouragement and sympathy.
Some days I’m glad I’m here, too. ❤️
Shit, this is what I was expecting from the last post. When you were talking about the year and the month, about telling Hal you loved him, I realized with a horrific dread where the timeline had placed us. This timing is so much worse. I could never write enough words to express my sorrow for you over how this all shook out.
“I realized with a horrific dread where the timeline had placed us…”
mwahahahahahahahahahahaha
MWAHAHAHAHA
oh how this sentence brings me artistic joy
Hey Dave,
A friend of mine linked me your blog and I’ve been catching up on your story so far. What a wild ride – I’m glad you are still here to tell it. I recently went public with my deconversion (or deconstruction, whatever the word is now) and reading this blog has been a closure for me, in a sense. We were a super conservative evangelical family (barely even wanted to use that term) and we didn’t even own a television! So my Saturday morning “cartoons” were in the form of evangelical kid’s radio programs. I grew up with AiO, among other programs, and Jimmy was always one of my favorite characters (next to Eugene, sorry!). I loved his overactive animation, a couple of later episodes that stick out to me (I don’t remember the titles) – the one where he wants to be a paramedic and the one where Donna adopts an ugly dog. Also Aloha Oy of course – still great fun! It’s crazy to see what you were going through at the time – although it doesn’t surprise me that no one was really there for you (sadly), evangelicals sure don’t care about kids as much as they claim to, that’s for sure. Also interesting to learn the reason why Eugene “left” the show for a while. Anyway, I’ve been rambling enough. Just wanted to say I appreciate you speaking out about your experiences and I hope for all the best!
They didn’t want you to go to the funeral. Wow. That was so hard to read. 🥺