*walks outside*
*sits down on bench in garden*
*lights another cigarette*
!!ZAP!!
been a month since the last attempt
visited relatives back east for the holidays
dont remember much
!!ZAP!!
i do not like these medications
!!ZAP!!
hard to think
everything is molasses
and i keep !!ZAP!!
getting these electric flashes
they don’t hurt
but they hurt
they stun you
my brain tazer
flashes and sparkles
and my mouth is always dry
so dry i cant sleep
i should start keeping a pitcher of water by the bed at night
!!SpArkLe!!
…
…
what the heck was i just thinking about
…
…
!!SpArkLeZZAAPP!!
…
…
what the heck was i just thinking about
…
…
*leg muscle starts spasming*
….
….
*flicks cigarette*
*watches ash fall to ground*
*an ant crafts a new route around the ash pile*
…
…
Mom and Dad are arguing and stressed because of me
the hospital bills are expensive
they shoulda just let me die
expensive to keep living
now i guess i have to live otherwise what did they spend the money on
but i hate living
i hate being alive
this planet sucks
and everyone on it sucks
except for hal and corey and katie and will
and I don’t wanna be here no more
!!ZAP!!
…
…
the heck was I just thinking about
…
…
can’t stop shaking my legs
the dang things won’t stop moving
and yet i cant move
never been like this before
constantly twitchy and constantly exhausted
!!SpArkLe!!
…
…
have not been back to school since the first attempt
…
…
none of my friends seem to have noticed
…
…
nobody has called
…
…
i guess i didnt matter
…
…
they shoulda just let me die
…
…
they sent somebody to tell me to do homework
guess i am homeschooled now
…
…
hard to care about school when death is a viable option
…
…
!!ZAP!!
the heck was i just thinking about
*notices cigarette has burnt out*
*drops butt*
…
…
*lights another cigarette*
…
…
i honestly do not know why i started smoking these stupid things
…
…
but i can not stop
cigarettes are like crack
why did i start smoking
that was stupid
*flicks ash*
*watches it fall to ground*
…
…
!!SpArkLe!!
how did I get hooked so fast
…
…
easier to get cigarettes than nicotine gum
as a minor
…
…
gonna die soon anyway
probably wont live long enough for lung cancer
…
…
im 16 what the heck do i know about anything i just tried to die
…
…
twice
i tried to die twice
which is one more than i thought i would need
and i still failed
…
…
such a failure i failed at killing myself twice
am i an attempted murderer now
…
…
gods not gonna like that
not like he tried to stop me or anything
…
…
twice
…
…
am i an attempted serial killer now
…
…
the unintended consequences of surviving
…
…
*flicks ash*
…
…
nobody from church has been by
…
…
nobody
…
…
we made meals for people with back injuries and cancer
…
…
nobody makes meals for me
!!ZAPsPaRkLe!!
…
…
the heck was I just thinking about
…
…
oh yeah nobody made meals for my family
we are on our own
…
…
seems unfair
…
…
guess god doesnt love me no more
…
…
am i going to hell
is that why the church wont help
am i a bad guy now
i didnt think about that when i did it
was just trying to make it stop hurting
…
…
*drops butt*
*lights another cigarette*
…
…
!!ZAP!!
…
…
whats that
…
…
religious parent is trying to tell me something
…
…
hard to !!SpArkLe!!
focus
…
…
what
…
…
what did you just say
…
…
focus called
…
do they want me again
…
they said what
…
…
what did they say
…
they said hal died
…
hal died
…
what happened
…
…
i want to go to the funeral
…
…
what do you mean they don’t want me to go
…
…
why cant i go
…
…
i just told him i loved him i want to go to the funeral
…
…
why cant i go
…
…
!!ZAP!!
…
…
the heck was i just thinking about
…
…
hal
…
…
hal died
…
…
why am i not crying
…
…
i should be crying because hal died and i loved him very much
…
…
i cant cry
…
…
i cant cry
…
…
*flicks ash*
*watches it fall to ground*
…
…
hal died
and
i cant cry
…
…
!!ZAP!!
!!SpArkLe!!
!!ZAP!!
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