Author’s Notes


it’s been a few days and I’m still recovering…

To those who join this blog later who were NOT actively reading in the buildup of the last month you won’t probably understand the way the last 5? 6? posts arrived back to back to back.

But we have dates of when those posts dropped for those who might be interested.

This particular post is not anything I’m going to try to finagle too much and to be honest this is mostly for me. But I’m sharing what would ordinarily be a private document so that others can get a window into my process. I just want to flow without being obstructed by the graphic design elements that I do which- while not seeming like much- have actually broken my keyboard.

This post is going to be an utter mess because my thoughts are flooded right now withthings that have happened this week and reaching the end process of the big reveal.

It’s hard to put into words what’s happening to me right now and the totality of it…

This is the moment I would ordinarily make a space for a philosophical beat. <for later>

I first conceived of the idea of telling those 3 lines:

I attempted to end my life
I was placed on a 5150 hold
I was admitted to the adolescent wing of a psychiatric facility.

I have had those 3 sentences in my head since November 1993 since day 3 or 4 of that first stay sitting on that crinkly bed staring through that window wondering how I would ever explain this shit I got myself into.

It has taken 29 fucking years for me to finally have the strength to write those sentences to this crowd.

I have been asked a lot wwhether this project is cathartic or not. This is the word everyone keeps asking me: That’s gotta be cathartic, right? I’ve heard this 30 times this week.

The last week of posting…

Was a 120 hour blitz.

18 hour days.
I am down 10 pounds (I have walked about 100 miles worth of pacing in 7 days about 14-15 miles day this is not a joke).
Down a pant size which complicates my already depleted wardrobe.
Pretty sure I’ve damaged some knee ligaments in that endless walking.
I have a broken keyboard I can’t afford to replace.
I am randomly bursting into tears sometimes dozens of times a day.

The goal of this… is NOT catharsis.

I am concerned about fascism.

I am worried that the Fucking Evangelicals™ were so successful at infiltrating our government at all levels for 40 years while dems were asleep that I have been trying to find a way to get this story out for years.

When the Roe decision was leaked I realized I had miscalculated. I ALWAYS thought– because I know how cynical these bastards are– I was always CERTAAIN thatthose at the top of the GOP would never actually try to overturn ROE.

I always thought it was the carrot dangled to the white eveangelical voter base, because that’s what it was orginally. A MacGuffin (industry term invented by ALfred Hitchcock look it up) I don’t think Falwell & Co actually cared about that issue. It was a hook. And it worked. Calling people baby killers is the laziest way to make the most politically illiterate voters fall in line.

When Amy Comey Barret was pushed into SCOTUS a fear I had never before considered hit me– she’s not cynical. That’s someone that was RIASED by the Fucking Evangelical™ Media System. And I knew we were in trouble.

When the decision leaked was in May I realized I was running out time and I had to at least start this blog.

I’ve always worried that scope and scale of what I’m going to present is so huge and massive that I don’t know how I’ll have the bandwidth to tell it while I’m trying to rebuild a depleted political party (which is what the Dems are that’s why everyone is so old Pelosi, Biden, et al) in my county and state.

I know that I’m jumping all over the place and I’m sorry. I’m flooded with so much right now and I know that I’m writing things right now that won’t make sense until we get to the end of Volume 2. So this babble is mostly my final purge for me– I do have one AFTERTHOUGHT post that I started in the middle of this 6 post blitz that I never finished because it’s too big. I’ll prolly get that out next week.


When the Roe decision was leakeed The Wild Horses Arrived.

This will be my metaphor for the creative call to action that I felt in my soul.

The fear I always had of outing myself as a mental health patient and suicide survivor to the Odyssey crowd would be detrimental to my life didn’t matter any more. That fear is legit. You’ll see later.

BUt sometimes you just gotta jump on the grenade.

We’ere running out of time befoee the election and in June- the month I stopped posting and got writer’s block I realized that the scope and scale of the project was so massive that there would be no way I could deliver this baby in time to get to my final points before the election.

I was asked at some point in th eblur of the last week if the point of this exercise is about voting.

And so it’s at this poiunt that I wantt to encourage everyone who has readthe blog from the beginning– now that the band aid has been ripped off… go back to the beginning and start reading this again.

I make it very clear what my intentions are from the start. I am writing things on multiple levels that won’t make sense until later information drops. So, part of the fun of this… is that if you read each blog post individually and then you get to the end of the reveal and THEN you go BACL and read… now you have the information that is in my head when I first started writing. I tell you EXACTLY PRECISELY what my intentions are andit will hit even harder I DO LIKE MAKING ART THAT CAN BE ENJOYED MORE THAN ONCE AND GETS DEEPER ON SUCCESSIVE VIEWINGS/LISTENINGS 🙂 (ALSO want to know if THAT works or not)

This entire project blogject whatever is designed to be a public resource. And how that was going to come to fruition has always been a mystery.

And sometimes The Horses show up and you just gotta ride ’em and not fully know the path. I know the destination for certain.


But HOW this story would get told and how deep and how many volumes… I’ve said in tthe beginning this is a story that would be told in 2 halves. I now reazlie that is a massive underestimate now that the scope of the project is becoming clear. Things have happened this week during the 120 hour writing SuckFestPalooza2022™ that have opened my eyes to at least the architecture of the first Phase of this project. Phase One being the rough draft of the full story.

And the fact there are now multiple clear Phases of this project after I get the damn story out… I’ve always felt those Phases… now I see them much clearer. This is going to be a HUGE fucking project.

I know for those who were enjoying the daily drops it’s gonna be disappointing to have to wait for the next bit.

things blocking my ability to bring the next section (this is more for me than you)
fix or acquire keyboard/laptop
now that spouse has returned from work trip– the only way I had the bandwidth to write that much that fast– I realize I will probably need to secure some sort of writing space that suits my needs. I have no fucking idea how that’s possible.
I write late at night and I pace endlessly and talk out loud to myself and I need silence and privacy. In the most expensive housing market in America. And I have no money. shit.

I ALSO am the Executive Director of my County Democratic Party. AND IT’S FUCKING ELECTION SEASON. And so… my time… the reason I had to make that massive push was becasue I knew having the home to myself would allow me the undivided time to just fucking push this bastard to completion. And then I have to be busy AF for a month. BTW, PLEASSE donate to candidates and local parties please these people are fighting for their lives and need economic resources.

There have been some decidedly non-cathartic consequences.

For example, I had promised one of my Delegates (and the spouse of the vice mayor in my home town) that I would work a Burn Institute tabling with her because she had helped me run the Dem Booth at the county Fair and even helped me break the damn thing down.

Nichole Arnold I am so sorry that Riding the Wild Horses meant I broke my promise to you by landing your event on the same day of my outing myself.

Sometimes being friends with artists sucks.


Where were we?

This isn’t about catharsis. I’m fighting for myfucking life. You know how fascists treat disabled and mentally ill people? The Nazis practised their euthenasia campaigns on people like me. We’re the first to go.

In my soorrow because I can not tell the full scope and scale of this project before election… all I can say is… PLEASE FUCKING VOTE DEMOCRAT.

There is a cult that is trying destroy this nation and they are not christian (that won’t matter to my lefty peoples who are reading and boy is it fucking my head up that people are reading it in my political world holyfucksticks I never thought anyone would care thankyouallIloveyou) and they have utterly fooled the Adventures in Odyssey audience base.

All I can say is I am Jimmy Fucking Barclay and I am so worried that I not only changed my voter status, BUT I RAN TO BECOME A STATE DELEGATE TO THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY OF CALIFORNIA.

Jimmy Barclay RUNS the Democratic party in his county, fans. THAT”S HOW WORRIED MY OWNS FANS MADE ME

I can not explain the full “why” yet. It’s too big.

But I can give you the cliff hanger. I’m a suicide survivor.

And what I experienced changed my view on EVERYTHING I had been taught as aFucking Evangelcal `™. Conservatives are wrong. The liberals are right.

On. almost. every. point. And I’ll prove it with my life story.

But that is not a small story. It’s a much bigger story than even I realized. But I now see the story and that had been obscured before. And I’m no longer afraid to tell it. Ripping the bandaid off… wow.

I never ever ever ever ever vever in my wildest dreams would have imagined THIS is the reason why I would finally spill my guts and where I would end up in my life when I finally did. Helluva 30 year journey fuck me

A decision I’ve made and am going to really dive into harder is to show you all that this a rough draft and that we right now are in the middle of an open source view– if I may toot my arrogant little horn– I am a world class artist. I believe this story defends that claim, right?

I want to mak ethis project so fucking personal I want to let you all in on my artistic struggle WHILE I write it. I’ve never done anything like this before. Usually my process is very private. but I want christians to start learning about art, propaganda, editing, how decisions are made for flow and where sometimes I have to make a decision and introduce a fictionalized version of a real event. I want you to see the process of what it’s like to write about events that occurred 30 years earlier.


I also want you to understand hwat it’s like to be a disabled artist with NO money in this fucking country. I want you to understand that artists work is done in a different way than many. We Ride Wild Horses and then chill and need down time… it’s an organic process that makes zero sens eto the 9-5 crowd and so I think some of you may enjoy seeing what I can do and how I do it. Like I’m leaving in my typos on this post so you can compare a true vomit draft to one that i edit as I go which you’ve been reading– Volume One is actually total vomit draft. Literally.

I’m already cringing at some shit I wrote that I had no memory of– like being in studio when you really get into the flow “I wrote that?!? That’s a good line— JESUS FUCK WHY DID WRITE THAT” ya know that’s thegame.

And I want to invite those of you who have found this– bout 200 serious readers of you looking at my analytics– to participate.

If Elon Musk’s Twitter takeover lands and they bring Trump back (which is the fucking plan) I will no longer be posting these posts on social media. At some point I want to create my own community separate and safe from those realms.

I want this to be a word of mouth project. This is for people… this is gonna find you the same way it found me and I want to attempt to trust that process. Let’s see if god actually exists or not.

OK GOD here’s my story. This is what you wanted me to do I’m doing it. I don’t want to do this and you know that you omnipotent motherfucker but SINCE YOU AINT ANSWERING PRAYERS ABOUT THE END OF FASCISM AND IT”S ALL YOUR PSYCHO FANS BURNING THIS PLACE DOWN… guess I gotta try and help.

I will for certain be busy through the end of elction. I don’t think I can even attempt Volume 2 yet– especially because now that the fullness of the story is more apparent I have to restructure part 2. And that’s gonna take a LOT of walks. My body hurts so much right now.

After election I am running for delegate and county party stuff again– maybe, I think? I dunno… sudeennly this project became far more interesting to me than politics. Would be kinda cool to dive all the way in. But I’m fighting for my life in the dem party and that’s where my chips are pushed all the way in right now– YOU ALL SHOULD JOIN ME.


In fact, I’d say 80% of every room I’m in is people of faith. And it’s really cool– we never force anyone to pray to a god of any kind. We just show up and try to make demcoracy not suck. Worker Bee shit. Point being for those of you worried that I’m trying to make you vote dem… I mean… what do you think I’m killing myself and burning my rep publicly here for? Vanity?

Ask yourself why that idea of voting dem is so scary…. and why fascism doesn’t worry you more?

Asa far as I can tell the AIO team has not seen this yet. I expect tat to change any day and when it does– I’m terrified what that day looks like. Will they smear me. I dunno. Will I be sued? cease & desist? They know part of what’s coming and tey also have no idea of the story I’m gonna drop on their ass and the whole movemnt. My poverty works here because I have nothing to lose.

I hope I can make it work.

Which brings me back to you all. Those of you reading…

Dear Reader.

I’ve sent this to a small very small number of twitter people I follow in exvangelical scene who’s work I enjoy and lurk on. Maybe they’ll see this post.

Other than that, and the small posts on FB I have not tried to publicize this at all.

I just wanted to see who this would initially attract.


I’m going to attempt something and maybe it will work and maybe it won’t… I want to see if a community can organically spring up here. THis work right now has the fewest eyeballs on it at any time in the history of this project moving forward.

All of you reading this sentence right now, I can’t see hrough the sound proof glass what’s working in this blog or not. I can’t see you laugh. I can’t see you cry. I don’t know if you’re reading the links– ACTUALLY FUCK THAT I DO KNOW BECAUSE THOSE LINKS BARELY GET CLICKED. So I gotta figure that one out.

THis is a rough draft. I need input. That comment section exists for a reason. We debated not having one but I insist on making this a safe space for people of opposing views to come togethhr and have their lives respected. EVERYONE’S LIFE STORY WILL BE RESPECTED HERE. If you respect mine I damn sure will respect yours. Share. What are you feeling? What do you like? What’s funny? What’s confusing? Do you have questions? Have I made things unclear? Does this inspire you to share parts of your life with us? Set that example. Show people this is a place where DAve will listen to you. I have a foot in both these worlds… I am a peace maker. THis is what I do as an empathic artist. I love poeple. Let us love you!

Also. IS MY STYLE OFF PUTTING OR TOO OBNOXIOUS? And I don’t mean the word fuck.

^ this really is a concernof mine. This probably worries me more than anything else because a lot of effort is going into the character perspective of the piece and tone and viewpoint. I’m hoping that’s fun and uniqueish. I can’t tell if it works or not though would appreciate feedback.

I’m trying to do something new– I think?!? Maybe it’s not new… would that matter if it wasn’t hmmm. New has novelty and that attracts eyeballs… hmmm.

I can’t help it.

I’m an artist ffs. And I believe that part of the problem in the evangelical world is The Memeology of Theology™ (future post). And that language and phrases are trapping people. And so one of my goals is to create a fun and silly visual style so it’s easy to read on phones and tablets and whatnot that hopefully will be something that as we get into the sad horrifically sad part it will still bring a chuckle– BTW ALL THIS DAMAGE TO MY LIFE WAS WHILE I WAS WRITING THE MOST FUN PART OF THE STORY. Imagine the damage to my life with what’s coming fuck me I’m not looking forward to it bUT GAS CHAMBERS AND GALLOWS SOUND WORSE.

And for some of my christians reading this who are still stuck in your political cult and think that willl never happen here… they just found a bucket of gold teeth ina torture chamber in the Ukraine where tthe Russians were using pliers to pull teeth from citizens. That story broke Fri oct 7 2022. There is genocide occurring there nOW. Russia is sending mentally ill soldiers they are send their homeless knowing they will die to commit genocied. If you think that won’t happen here to you and me and everyone we know… I encourage to visit your nearest Native American Nation/Reservation and ask them what christian cults do in this country when they run this government.

I fucking DARE you to get an education.

Do you even know the name of your nearest tribe and if not WHY NOT?

Fucking google it and look at the pictures “gold teeth ukraine”.

I have gold teeth.

I’m fighting for my life.

What are you doing for my life?

Does my life matter to yoou?

This is the question i intend to pose to the world. I wish I could do it now. But even if I wriote every single day for 18 hours a day for the next 5 weeks there’s no way enough people would even see it in time.

I have to Trust in The Wild Horses of this art project. I believe there will be a gravitational effect here. It’s why Twitter matters but I may need a backup plan if Musky McFuckface… whatever.

I need you to help seed some of the conversation in those notes and comments. I’m curious to know too– last night I read the whole thing beginnig to end for the first time… I’m honestly can’t tell sometimes if this good or not. One day I’m certain I”m onto something astonishing here. The next dayit looks like shit to me.

I’m an artist with extreme and severe deperssion and need feedback it’s not uncommon for me to delete entire scripts on a whim

someone tell me not to do that here so I can see that during the months when I’m depressed because I constantly re-read comments sometimes for years later— OH

ALSO ALL MY SUICIDE ATTEMPTS HAVE OCCURRED IN NOVEMBER AND DECEMBER and so theother reason I was trying to push this volume out NOW is because I know that I may be incapacitated in the next two months. I hope not.

I feel depeleted right now. BUT I also feel tremendously energized and encouraged by the response some of you have given me. Am I crazy? Or am I doing somethig good here? I would keep writing every day if I could afford to.

This is not a vanity project.

I know this first section was all about how “great an actor” I am but that was really to hook the Odyssey crowd and give them what they always wanted. And then maybe they will trust my voice and story. For years I’ve thought… Would they listen to Jimmy Barclay? When Simone Biles did that shit I knew I had permission FINALLY. Maybe the evangelicals will still be fuckfacepoopheads (technical term) to me but at least there’s enough people in the world that will have my back.

For those of you worried about my well being on this project… IT WOULD ACTIVELY DIRECTLY HELP MY LIFE IF YOU WOULD VOTE BLUE.

I live on Social Security Disability. The Republicans want to kill it. If they do I will be homeless and probably die. How much does my life matter to you?

I had wanted to save that info for volume 3… wait…4? I may come back and cut that info out in the next couple weeks that’s just for you 200 or so.

Back to my well being.

Yes the creative whirlwind I just rode is probably the most intense of my life. I literally can not explain what the last two weeks has been like… maybe when we get to the end of this story.

An artist I trust IMMENSELY… probably one of the 5-6 truly Corey Burton level of great artists I know… anyway, one of those people remarked to me after I outed myself and went to her home to decompress, “I think you might be writing a seminal work right now.” That’s how this feels I will admit. But also, I’ve been delusional before and I need barometers. But when she said that… to hear another person say it without prompting gave it a heft and seriousness that helped. Agreee? Disagree? is that too arrogant to even consider? The reason I ask for confirmation is that it will help to give me purpose and focus.

One problem I have, and you will learn this in volume 2. Is that I don’t trust my own barometer. being in the mental system you learn to doubt yourself for the rest of your life. Is what i’m experienceing real?

And this is why I look for PeopleBarometers™ in my life. Voices I can trust. Is this good? Does it suck? Will you tell me the truth?

add to my wishlist:

Graphic Designer
fuck i’m gonna need someone who knows how to make apps
I can see this becoming an incredibly cool thing, because the part of this that’s surprising me right now is that I thought this would really only appeal to the AIO people. I am SHOCKED at how wonderfully supportive some of you in my political space are who have been reading. Andy and Anna and Tobia and Patrick and thank you all it amazes me that this interesting to you all. That honestly never occurred to me. ANd it gives me hope that this may have a broader appeal which I am trying to write for, but to see it work is so damn gratifying… makes the work feel worth it. THANK YOU FOR THE INPUT AND FEEDBACK.

After Outing, I was instantly sent several personal video testimonies after I outed and I think this could be an awesome way of creating dialogue and conversation. Maybe there needs to be a fan portal or discussion area. How do I make that?


Story telling I can do. Blogging… jesus fucking christ it took me 4 posts to figure out italics. I am way too slow and old at tech.

what else

I will end wit this thought.

After dropping the post credit scene that utterly blew my mind 29 years ago I spent the next day mostly in shock. Jesus was that yesterday? Feels like a month ago.

Anyway… for those ofyou that hope for catharsis for me… something shook my world that I did not expect and am still unpacking the magnitude of but am also trying to check whether I’m delusional or not.

A question I had asked God for yeaars that never got answered and lead to my mostly giving up on the whole concept of God for 30 years… um

Got. Answered?

In a way that shook me to my core.

I have spent 30 years trying to think of how to ever describe the moment I met Steve Burns on that first day.

And yesterday I just laid there and kept rereading the buildup and the bit with WHite Rabbit (is that cheesy and too Old Man btw? everybody uses white rabbit but THAT’s WHY I THINK IT CAN WORK AS A MUSICAL HOOK IT’S A SONG EVERYONE KNOWS RIGHT Especially a lot of Evangelicals who are usually 20 cultural years behind the times due to homeschooling and whatnot? Trying to use words to put music in people’s heads so they can create the crescendo tension soundtrack while they read is something I definitely want to explore more here… hmm may not be worth it iunno.

Like did that pop at the end for you? Or was that an unnecessary distraction? Or cheesy I hate cheesy unless it ‘s ironic cheesy)

But as I was laying tere reading it and re-re-re-re-re-expereincing this moment from 29 years ago.

SUddenly it hit me like a fucking freight train– I now know WHY.

Either I’m crazy as fuck… or there might be something about to… happen… in my life.

This will mean nothing whatsoever to my non-religious peoples.

Regardless, I would like to keep plugging along and could use some perspective and encouragement or notes. I’ve purged and I’d like to listen and get to know you all.

Oh yeah… I’ve been so busy Riding the Wild Horses that I have not had the mental bandwidth to respond to the few messages I’ve received so far.

Looking at you James. I’ve read every damn word you’ve sent me and your particpation here matters and you matter sir. And I feel terrible that you’ve contributed and I was so… laser focused… I literally did not have the spoons. Been bugging me for a whole month because you were one of the first tio jump in and my silence is ruuuuuude! I just wanted to be able to– because you wrote so much– to really take time and respond well instead of just dashing off THANKS BRUH.

So to all of you. Joey. Devon. James. shit trying to find my tab with all my messages and can’t find it I NEED A FUCKING ASSITANT ffs

BUT I WANTED TO INDIVIDUALLY WRITE YOUR NAMES SO YOU KNOW I SEE YOU AND YOU MATTER TO ME. ANd I am so fucking exhausted I don’t have the bandwidth for that. BUt I will get to it. I see you Connor. I Isee you Leslie. love you all so damn much. Anita Angela and DAVID YOUELL htf do I forget you? My brains are scrambled. Sorry guys. Peter Ian Bex from the very beginning i see you!

I. WILL. RESPOND. I just need to recover. Leave town for a few days and do some deep, some severly deep thinking without distraction.

I got shookedified. for realsies.

I really can’t say more unless I see certain things… uh… click.

BUT. whoa baby if what hit me is real. If it’s just mental illness…. no biggie.

Again NIchole Arnold I’m so sorry please don’t hate me. THANKS A LOT WILD HORSES.

Fuck. Being an artist… it is a hard ass life in this country. With no mercy.

But… sometimes… you can catch lightning in a bottle.

I’ve done it before and I know I’m capable of it. Will this be one of those… hmmm.

Or is this the thing that I bust my ass and think is genius and then 6 months later it looks like teenage navelgazing bullshit. ohdearohdear

BTW THIS ^ is sometimes how I’ll just flow non-sequitor when I’m letting ideas drift in and out and that’s why it’s a little chaotic and haphazard. This has been me pontificating for 4 hours…

I know there’s more… but I”m tired.


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17 responses to “Author’s Notes”

  1. Zachary Avatar

    I have so many words and so little idea of how to say them – but here are a few. Your storytelling is mesmerizing and I am hooked. I enjoyed this peek into the creative process, I do think it’s valuable. I’m feeling the threads being woven – what started out as a single thread is becoming a tapestry, and I’m very curious to see where this all leads. Thank you for putting this all out there!

    1. dave Avatar

      Thank you for the wonderful words and thoughts you are sharing here and the confirmation that what I’m doing matters and someone gets it.

      I have read this comment probably 20 times today. It fills me with courage and helps me feel that this matters. thank you for saying something. It’s okay to not have the words.

      I am an Artist of Feelings. My canvas is the human emotional palette.

      And so sometimes, you’re gonna feel something and not know how to… articulate it…

      That’s my gold!

      That means it’s working….

      What matters is that you are feeling something and this project is affecting you.

      Thank you from the bottom of my heart for encouraging me and confirming that there’s something worthwhile here.

  2. James Avatar


    My friend – if I may call you that – take care of yourself. You have something no one else in the world has: the ability to be you and only you. I also second guess myself and my work and do it quite often. Feedback is good, but stay true to your style. I’ve continued reading for a reason in spite of the carpet eff-bombing and anger toward those who share my political stances and faith. I try not to take it personally. Just get it all out, brother.

    And I mean it when I say take care of yourself. We disagree on so much but I respect you. And I am happy you are here and that I found your blog.

    Thank you for mentioning me above. I feel honored. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

    Your ConservativeChristianAmigo™️


  3. Jessica Cole Avatar
    Jessica Cole

    I wish I were caught up enough on life to catch up on all the posts you’ve done recently. I immensely enjoyed the first few I read, and then you were off like, well apparently a wild horse, and there was just post after post and I couldn’t keep up. They are tabbed to come back to when I am in a good headspace and have time.
    But anyways, I clicked on this one today and I just wanted to say again how powerful your writing is. I’m excited to read the middle (as apparently I’ve read the beginning and end now) – and your continuation of this project.
    You have a gift. Your rambling flows well – and what you talk about is important. I’m so glad you’re a survivor and that you shared your story.

    1. dave Avatar

      It will be here until the of time. My gift to the future.

  4. Devon Avatar

    Finally have to actually get around to writing a comment on this one now, after having the tab open for a month.

    Dave, you are such a fantastic human, an absolute delight. I love and value you so so much, and my heart aches for each and every thing through which you’ve had to endure. I’ve loved getting many of the insights into the early show that I have from this blog so far, and (so far) have been cautiously happy that the tell-all hasn’t been as dire as I’d feared (volume 1 is the only volume right? right?). But even still, the sterile, isolating conditions under which you worked, while completely unintentional I’m sure, have a palpable mental impact that you can feel radiating off the stories. I wish there was a way to undo so many of the things you experienced. There’s an endless list of things that I wish I could change or undo about the experiences and cultures of our countries, obviously. I am so grateful that you have taken up the unfair task of exposing your story to the world for the selfless effort of wanting to help others. I pray for you constantly, and for this effort; that it will change the hearts and open the eyes of many; that God will speak out through it to both sides to recognize what has been done and what needs to be done; and that you can have peace of heart and peace of mind. You hold such an impossibly unique role in how you can influence people for good. I hate to ascribe destiny or fate of others’ good to people who are suffering in the present, though it’s hard not to think about Mordecai’s “Perhaps God put you into the palace for just such a time and place as this” to Esther when it comes to the people you’ve impacted for good. Please stay strong, Dave. Not for me, not for them, do it for you. Because you deserve better.

    1. dave Avatar

      Yes only 1 volume so far. I have so much work to do yeesh…

      As to your Mordecai quote…

      I’ll say this because it’ll take me probably a year before I can create the post, but I had a moment that shook me. After I finished typing the full rough draft in the after credit scene…

      I have spent 30 years wondering why god put Steve (Rodney Rathbone) in that hospital that morning. And for most of my life I have battled against whether god is real or not. I’m an every-other-dayer. One day I’m certain god is real the next… nah.

      But I have never fully abandoned the possibility it could be real. So I do Sermon on the Mount stuff. Fuck all the rest of it. That stuff makes sense to me. Can I do that, and live the teachings of love… and does it even matter what I believe as a I struggle through it?

      Anyway, for 3 decades I have battled did god place that man in that room or was this a total coincidence?

      And I have been terrified of ever speaking about it happening because it just seems so wild. And the next day after my tired fingers had typed their last ™’s… I’m reading and just kinda blown away by the quality of the writing considering what I’m going through at the moment. It almost feels… divinely inspired.

      And I get to the words “I’m staring into the eyes of Rodney fucking Rathbone” and it hits me like a freight train and I swear I felt the finger of god touch my spine. It shook me. This overwhelming impossible to describe without sounding insane…

      “So, Dave… do you see now what it took me to get you to finally write those words?”

      And suddenly… I saw the totality of the project just downloaded into brain.

      Perhaps god put me in the palace? I’m certain of it. It’s either that or it’s a coincidence.

      And this project aims to answer that once and for all. the only way this works is god shows up. I’m literally placing my fleece upon the ground, yo.

      And thank you for every word you write. I can feel the hug in every word. I will re-read this 1,000 times in moments of doubt and sadness and fear in the weeks months and years ahead. I’ve already read it 20 times today. Thank you for this gift into my brain <3

      1. Devon Avatar

        Thanks, Dave. That in and of itself means a lot. I wish I’d written a comment sooner, because I knew that for all the time I kept this tab open waiting for the moment to say something perfect was time that I wasn’t saying anything at all, instead, which is something we all spend far too much of our lives doing. I was electrified when I first read your description of that moment of clarity; how after decades, everything finally came into alignment to understand what it might have all meant. I mean it’s certainly not the place that /I/ would expect to run into Steve Burns.

        Have a deep and restful sleep, my friend. I’ve got your back, now and always.

  5. Rose Avatar

    Keep going. Keep writing. I quite literally spent the day reading through all your posts after seeking out this “blogject.” Not knowing at all what to expect, I could. Not. Stop. Reading. Your storytelling captivated me, and the visual element you added made the words all the more eloquent and poignant.

    Keep going. You matter. Your story matters.

    1. dave Avatar

      Your message comes at a rather unique moment. Am literally googling “suicide techniques” right now. Having a rough day to say the least.

      This gives me a reason to hang around another day, I suppose. Thank you for reading and communicating.

      I am grateful. Your comment is oxygen when I can’t breathe. Thank you for the lift. I really can’t describe how the last few hours were spent with tears streaming down my cheeks wanting off this planet.

      This is a gift and I respect it and will hold on. <3

      1. Devon Avatar

        Love you, buddy. Holding you close right now. <3 <3

  6. Rachel Avatar

    Just landed here somehow, can’t quite remember how… something something exvangelical reddit post… but wanted to say keep writing, all of it, the seminal work, the BtS, the spoilers, the teasers, etc. etc. etc. The characterization/tone is badace as well as the poetic use of space and punctuation (triple XL fan of creative punctuation) and it’s all coming across great on my iphone (haven’t tried to read on another device). Yes, unique. Yes, seems prophetic (fuck the Fucking Evangelicals and their small g “god” cuz Alanis-Morrisette-God is calling you, Samuel).

    Your life matters. Your ability to run with the Wild Horses without sacrificing your family’s health and well-being is important to me, hence why I vote blue and also seek better than what blue offers… there is surely life beyond the binary of the white n black lens offered by “Cultianity” (which has been turning every good thing for evil since the Good News left his flip flops behind and Ascended; God might be able to turn any bad thing for good (TBD) but Man sure can turn anything meant for good into Evil AND profit, right quick).

    Let it out, Davey

    1. dave Avatar

      Welcome Rachel!

      If you can retrace your steps on what that post was I would be fascinated to know if someone finally shared this to reddit. I’ve been watching… lol.

      Thank you so much for validating that the writing style is working for you and I really appreciate your reporting from the front lines of phone usage! This matters greatly. Thank you thank you thank you for your encouragement that the style is working for you. Thank you for all the notes I’m gobbling them up.

      Thank you for your blue votes! And how on earth did I never see Adam Sandler’s cartoon movie?!? I’m gen x/xennial I had his audio album. Why was I not forced to watch this at some friend’s house while we broke into their parents manischewitz wine supply?

      Anyway, thank you so much for your wonderful message of support and encouragement. I almost wrote another post tonight and couldn’t quite find the inspiration, but in your honor I’ll try to get another one out this weekend. Thank you for supporting… and if you could ever remember how you got here I would be in your debt to retrace those steps with you.

      1. Rachel Avatar

        Dave! Thanks for replying! I was all jazzed out when I wrote you last; your writing and ferocity got me riled up and feeling creative and inspired!

        So, truth time: I’m nearly 40 and still a-listenin’ to the first 800 episodes of AIO cuz my sibling had ripped them off the ‘net somewhere and we grew up with the stories and yada yada. As I’ve outgrown the milky faith of my youth, I’ve heavily edited the playlist. I deleted the inhumane episodes and don’t buy anything from Fuck Off Tyrannical Fanatics, but occasionally I want to talk to other nostalgic fans about ancient AIO shit. So, I creep the AIO subs but never end up posting whatever witty repartee that drew me there. Anyway, recentlyish I just searched all of reddit for AIO and landed on this post in r/Exvangelical:

        I have been exploring this concept of deconstructing faith so I wanted to see what Bimmy Jerkly was up to and searched “dave griffin adventures in odyssey” and the 11th result was this blogaroo, specifically the “Aloha” chapter. (Potentially relevant, I have Neeva set as my search engine on Firefox and NOT Google)

        Rabbit Trail Finit. Thee end. *bows*

        TBH I have hesitated posting your blog in the AIO focused subs because I didn’t want to expose you to abuse. But as I keep reading your blog (such as your most recent post as of May 18th) and this here comment back to me, I gather you’re okay with it. And I ought to post it fer sher on Exvangelical at least. There is so much about Fucking Onerous Theocratic Fascists that people need to know: the decidedly unChristlike hypocrisy, the AgendaTM to build hell on earth, that AIO is or was one of few ways VO actors could get a toe in the door & thus able to commit abuses power, why Will Ryan left for so long, etc.

        Less focused on FotF and more on you: your description of adjusting/withdrawal experience after the first meditation cocktail, the **ZAPS**… well recently a friend of mine didn’t receive their meds on time from a pharmacy for their MI and was unfortunately experiencing the old malfunctions and also the effects of drug withdrawal cuz… ya know… they WERE on drugs! (Griffin, 2022) I asked them what it felt like while we were hanging out on the weekend and they said it feels like “Zap” and that they couldn’t remember what we were talking about and asked if I remembered a time in life where I was self aware that I wasn’t responding to LifeTM like I normally would yet felt compelled to interact strangely despite the self awareness. I do remember that and I also shared your blog post as a visual and they were like, ‘Um Yeah. Exactly. That’s exactly how it fucking feels. Sitting here, and Zzzzap! …. What were we talking about?….’

        You’re doing good work, Dave. Thank you.

      2. Other Dave Avatar
        Other Dave

        I also got here through a (different) Reddit link, a comment I think, if I recall correctly, it was last month and I have slowly been catching up, but I am still 9 months behind your postings. In any case, I am definitely not your target audience for the main moral, I have nonetheless greatly appreciated the many insights you have provided to someone who was just a decade behind you and raised in a slightly more liberal protestant Christianity, just exactly what is, was, and has been going on. Thank you! And I hope you are able to finish your project, and I hope that it has the impact that it ought to. And I hope you are around to see it.

        P.S. readability on an Android OS mobile device has been mostly good, with the exception of some of the NoSpaceBetweenWordsRunOnSentencesThatForceMeToSidescroll.

  7. Kate P. Avatar
    Kate P.

    I know there is a lot more to come, but this project of yours is the most intense thing I have ever read. I cried while reading it at one point.

    It’s weird because although I did grow up in the evangelical world, my childhood was not full of things like AIO. That didn’t exist in my world. When I was a little older, I do remember people in my family listening to Christian radio, but I did not discover AIO until I was an adult. I loved it, and I still do when I manage to catch it. I did not grow up with Jimmy, and I don’t even know if I’ve heard that many episodes with Jimmy. I’m not sure.

    So, I haven’t been reading this as a Jimmy fan. I’ve been reading this as an adult who has been realizing for the last couple of decades that I have problems with a lot of the things the Evangelical Complex has done. And you are explaining ALL OF IT in such raw, emotional words. It is so very profound for me. How is everything I’ve been thinking all in this ONE place?! Including my love and attachment and care for a lot of the people in that world, and how I genuinely think they are often good people who have no idea of the harm they cause.

    But you, sir….I admire your bravery so much. I am not there yet. I am trying to straddle both worlds. I can’t leave the old world, and I can’t fully enter the new one. I’m not even sure what the new one IS, exactly. I am very, very alone here. To be honest, politically, I’m too conservative for liberals and way too liberal for conservatives. And with regard to my Christianity, I feel like alone there, too. I’m so interested in exploring Christianity outside of evangelicalism, but I’m terrified to get it wrong. We were taught about some pretty harsh consequences, after all. And I am terrified to be rejected by everyone in the old world if they knew what I really think. But at the same time, I feel like there is no point in building relationships with people if they don’t see the real me. It’s utterly lonely.

    And don’t even get me started on trying to raise children and teach them…. something…. when I’m not even sure what the right thing is exactly.

    And finally….. Jesus. I like that guy. But I don’t understand how to tell people about how great that guy is when the people representing him have been so harmful.

    I apologize for the fake name I’m about to type in the box down below. I am not ready to be as public as you have been. I hope you can forgive that.

    1. dave Avatar

      I’ve failed to respond to many comments over the last months, this one in particular has been on my mind: “How is everything I’ve been thinking all in this ONE place?!” Thank you for those words. I worry sometimes that I’m reaching too broadly and making connections that may leave me appearing somewhat like the meme of Charlie Day and his crazy tinfoil hat conspiracy wall. Your kind words help me feel it matters and is worthwhile, thank you for that affirmation.

      As to straddling both worlds… that’s really what this blog is. I exist in a state of duality that was imposed upon me by factors beyond my control. And the beauty of that (and curse) is that I can see all sides. Been on all sides. And that allows me to see the pros and cons and I think to judge things fairly on their own merit as well as through the lens of opposing viewpoints. I will attempt to lay all of that out in the volumes to come. Hopefully I hit the mark.

      But it’s ok. It’s ok where you’re at. So long as we are always being honest with ourselves. It’s ok to not have the answers. It’s ok to not have it figured out or not be ready yet– especially if your paycheck is involved 😉

      You are not alone. To the points in your 4th paragraph… you. are. not. alone. That’s why I’m writing this. I’ve been alone on this exodus journey for 30 years. I’m so tired. And I’m KNOW I’m not the only one feeling these things and maybe if we all give it voice something amazing could happen… once the kid cried out that the Emperor Wore No Clothes…eventually others could see it, too! And then we’re less alone. And that fear they pump into us that you mention– the eternal consequences– that’s some psychological torture. WhAt iF i’M WrOnG?!? I still worry about that every day. I could be wrong. And I have to live with that. And so I give it to the god that may or may not exist that may or may not have told me to do this project.

      But I am not wrong about the things I know to be false. And I’ve been silent on that for too long. And too many people are being led like lemmings off a cliff. And so don’t we have a moral responsibility to speak up whether we want to or not? Whether we feel safe or not? Whether it might cost us everything? Wasn’t that the point when the paparazzi were charged for not administering aid to Princess Diana and only thinking about themselves? Do we not have a moral obligation to help a situation if lives are on the line? That’s my way of convincing myself to do this godawful thang lol.

      The luxury of my position is that I’ve been at rock bottom for 30 years. There’s nowhere for me to go but up. I don’t think my detractors can actually make my life worse. And so I understand the risks for others who do have a lot to lose. But please know that I am here and you can count me as one other person who understands and will stand with you and say… YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

      Let us be two people together wandering through the mists and smoke trying to find the way out of the shadows and into the light.

      If ever you need a private chat due to your public situation I am available for those conversations. This is complicated stuff to work through and takes a long time.

      Thank you so much for your comment and heart.

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