WARNING: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THIS BLOG DO NOT CONTINUE READING. THERE ARE MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD.
PLEASE GO TO THE BEGINNING.
READ ME FIRST
it’s been a few days and I’m still recovering…
To those who join this blog later who were NOT actively reading in the buildup of the last month you won’t probably understand the way the last 5? 6? posts arrived back to back to back.
But we have dates of when those posts dropped for those who might be interested.
This particular post is not anything I’m going to try to finagle too much and to be honest this is mostly for me. But I’m sharing what would ordinarily be a private document so that others can get a window into my process. I just want to flow without being obstructed by the graphic design elements that I do which- while not seeming like much- have actually broken my keyboard.
This post is going to be an utter mess because my thoughts are flooded right now withthings that have happened this week and reaching the end process of the big reveal.
It’s hard to put into words what’s happening to me right now and the totality of it…
This is the moment I would ordinarily make a space for a philosophical beat. <for later>
I first conceived of the idea of telling those 3 lines:
I attempted to end my life
I was placed on a 5150 hold
I was admitted to the adolescent wing of a psychiatric facility.
I have had those 3 sentences in my head since November 1993 since day 3 or 4 of that first stay sitting on that crinkly bed staring through that window wondering how I would ever explain this shit I got myself into.
It has taken 29 fucking years for me to finally have the strength to write those sentences to this crowd.
I have been asked a lot wwhether this project is cathartic or not. This is the word everyone keeps asking me: That’s gotta be cathartic, right? I’ve heard this 30 times this week.
The last week of posting…
Was a 120 hour blitz.
18 hour days.
I am down 10 pounds (I have walked about 100 miles worth of pacing in 7 days about 14-15 miles day this is not a joke).
Down a pant size which complicates my already depleted wardrobe.
Pretty sure I’ve damaged some knee ligaments in that endless walking.
I have a broken keyboard I can’t afford to replace.
I am randomly bursting into tears sometimes dozens of times a day.
The goal of this… is NOT catharsis.
I am concerned about fascism.
I am worried that the Fucking Evangelicals™ were so successful at infiltrating our government at all levels for 40 years while dems were asleep that I have been trying to find a way to get this story out for years.
When the Roe decision was leaked I realized I had miscalculated. I ALWAYS thought– because I know how cynical these bastards are– I was always CERTAAIN thatthose at the top of the GOP would never actually try to overturn ROE.
I always thought it was the carrot dangled to the white eveangelical voter base, because that’s what it was orginally. A MacGuffin (industry term invented by ALfred Hitchcock look it up) I don’t think Falwell & Co actually cared about that issue. It was a hook. And it worked. Calling people baby killers is the laziest way to make the most politically illiterate voters fall in line.
When Amy Comey Barret was pushed into SCOTUS a fear I had never before considered hit me– she’s not cynical. That’s someone that was RIASED by the Fucking Evangelical™ Media System. And I knew we were in trouble.
When the decision leaked was in May I realized I was running out time and I had to at least start this blog.
I’ve always worried that scope and scale of what I’m going to present is so huge and massive that I don’t know how I’ll have the bandwidth to tell it while I’m trying to rebuild a depleted political party (which is what the Dems are that’s why everyone is so old Pelosi, Biden, et al) in my county and state.
I know that I’m jumping all over the place and I’m sorry. I’m flooded with so much right now and I know that I’m writing things right now that won’t make sense until we get to the end of Volume 2. So this babble is mostly my final purge for me– I do have one AFTERTHOUGHT post that I started in the middle of this 6 post blitz that I never finished because it’s too big. I’ll prolly get that out next week.
When the Roe decision was leakeed The Wild Horses Arrived.
This will be my metaphor for the creative call to action that I felt in my soul.
The fear I always had of outing myself as a mental health patient and suicide survivor to the Odyssey crowd would be detrimental to my life didn’t matter any more. That fear is legit. You’ll see later.
BUt sometimes you just gotta jump on the grenade.
We’ere running out of time befoee the election and in June- the month I stopped posting and got writer’s block I realized that the scope and scale of the project was so massive that there would be no way I could deliver this baby in time to get to my final points before the election.
I was asked at some point in th eblur of the last week if the point of this exercise is about voting.
And so it’s at this poiunt that I wantt to encourage everyone who has readthe blog from the beginning– now that the band aid has been ripped off… go back to the beginning and start reading this again.
I make it very clear what my intentions are from the start. I am writing things on multiple levels that won’t make sense until later information drops. So, part of the fun of this… is that if you read each blog post individually and then you get to the end of the reveal and THEN you go BACL and read… now you have the information that is in my head when I first started writing. I tell you EXACTLY PRECISELY what my intentions are andit will hit even harder I DO LIKE MAKING ART THAT CAN BE ENJOYED MORE THAN ONCE AND GETS DEEPER ON SUCCESSIVE VIEWINGS/LISTENINGS 🙂 (ALSO want to know if THAT works or not)
This entire project blogject whatever is designed to be a public resource. And how that was going to come to fruition has always been a mystery.
And sometimes The Horses show up and you just gotta ride ’em and not fully know the path. I know the destination for certain.
BTW THIS IS TO SHARE WITH YYOU ALL ABOUT THE ARTISTIC PROCESS THAT””S WHY I”M WRITING THIS PARTICULAR POST.
But HOW this story would get told and how deep and how many volumes… I’ve said in tthe beginning this is a story that would be told in 2 halves. I now reazlie that is a massive underestimate now that the scope of the project is becoming clear. Things have happened this week during the 120 hour writing SuckFestPalooza2022™ that have opened my eyes to at least the architecture of the first Phase of this project. Phase One being the rough draft of the full story.
And the fact there are now multiple clear Phases of this project after I get the damn story out… I’ve always felt those Phases… now I see them much clearer. This is going to be a HUGE fucking project.
I know for those who were enjoying the daily drops it’s gonna be disappointing to have to wait for the next bit.
things blocking my ability to bring the next section (this is more for me than you)
fix or acquire keyboard/laptop
now that spouse has returned from work trip– the only way I had the bandwidth to write that much that fast– I realize I will probably need to secure some sort of writing space that suits my needs. I have no fucking idea how that’s possible.
I write late at night and I pace endlessly and talk out loud to myself and I need silence and privacy. In the most expensive housing market in America. And I have no money. shit.
I ALSO am the Executive Director of my County Democratic Party. AND IT’S FUCKING ELECTION SEASON. And so… my time… the reason I had to make that massive push was becasue I knew having the home to myself would allow me the undivided time to just fucking push this bastard to completion. And then I have to be busy AF for a month. BTW, PLEASSE donate to candidates and local parties please these people are fighting for their lives and need economic resources.
There have been some decidedly non-cathartic consequences.
For example, I had promised one of my Delegates (and the spouse of the vice mayor in my home town) that I would work a Burn Institute tabling with her because she had helped me run the Dem Booth at the county Fair and even helped me break the damn thing down.
Nichole Arnold I am so sorry that Riding the Wild Horses meant I broke my promise to you by landing your event on the same day of my outing myself.
Sometimes being friends with artists sucks.
I AM SO SORRY MY FRIEND. I OWE YOU TWO TABLINGS NOW.
Where were we?
This isn’t about catharsis. I’m fighting for myfucking life. You know how fascists treat disabled and mentally ill people? The Nazis practised their euthenasia campaigns on people like me. We’re the first to go.
In my soorrow because I can not tell the full scope and scale of this project before election… all I can say is… PLEASE FUCKING VOTE DEMOCRAT.
There is a cult that is trying destroy this nation and they are not christian (that won’t matter to my lefty peoples who are reading and boy is it fucking my head up that people are reading it in my political world holyfucksticks I never thought anyone would care thankyouallIloveyou) and they have utterly fooled the Adventures in Odyssey audience base.
All I can say is I am Jimmy Fucking Barclay and I am so worried that I not only changed my voter status, BUT I RAN TO BECOME A STATE DELEGATE TO THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY OF CALIFORNIA.
Jimmy Barclay RUNS the Democratic party in his county, fans. THAT”S HOW WORRIED MY OWNS FANS MADE ME
I can not explain the full “why” yet. It’s too big.
But I can give you the cliff hanger. I’m a suicide survivor.
And what I experienced changed my view on EVERYTHING I had been taught as aFucking Evangelcal `™. Conservatives are wrong. The liberals are right.
On. almost. every. point. And I’ll prove it with my life story.
But that is not a small story. It’s a much bigger story than even I realized. But I now see the story and that had been obscured before. And I’m no longer afraid to tell it. Ripping the bandaid off… wow.
I never ever ever ever ever vever in my wildest dreams would have imagined THIS is the reason why I would finally spill my guts and where I would end up in my life when I finally did. Helluva 30 year journey fuck me
A decision I’ve made and am going to really dive into harder is to show you all that this a rough draft and that we right now are in the middle of an open source view– if I may toot my arrogant little horn– I am a world class artist. I believe this story defends that claim, right?
I want to mak ethis project so fucking personal I want to let you all in on my artistic struggle WHILE I write it. I’ve never done anything like this before. Usually my process is very private. but I want christians to start learning about art, propaganda, editing, how decisions are made for flow and where sometimes I have to make a decision and introduce a fictionalized version of a real event. I want you to see the process of what it’s like to write about events that occurred 30 years earlier.
JUST LIKE THE DUDES THAT WROTE THE RED WORDS.
I also want you to understand hwat it’s like to be a disabled artist with NO money in this fucking country. I want you to understand that artists work is done in a different way than many. We Ride Wild Horses and then chill and need down time… it’s an organic process that makes zero sens eto the 9-5 crowd and so I think some of you may enjoy seeing what I can do and how I do it. Like I’m leaving in my typos on this post so you can compare a true vomit draft to one that i edit as I go which you’ve been reading– Volume One is actually total vomit draft. Literally.
I’m already cringing at some shit I wrote that I had no memory of– like being in studio when you really get into the flow “I wrote that?!? That’s a good line— JESUS FUCK WHY DID WRITE THAT” ya know that’s thegame.
And I want to invite those of you who have found this– bout 200 serious readers of you looking at my analytics– to participate.
If Elon Musk’s Twitter takeover lands and they bring Trump back (which is the fucking plan) I will no longer be posting these posts on social media. At some point I want to create my own community separate and safe from those realms.
I want this to be a word of mouth project. This is for people… this is gonna find you the same way it found me and I want to attempt to trust that process. Let’s see if god actually exists or not.
OK GOD here’s my story. This is what you wanted me to do I’m doing it. I don’t want to do this and you know that you omnipotent motherfucker but SINCE YOU AINT ANSWERING PRAYERS ABOUT THE END OF FASCISM AND IT”S ALL YOUR PSYCHO FANS BURNING THIS PLACE DOWN… guess I gotta try and help.
I will for certain be busy through the end of elction. I don’t think I can even attempt Volume 2 yet– especially because now that the fullness of the story is more apparent I have to restructure part 2. And that’s gonna take a LOT of walks. My body hurts so much right now.
After election I am running for delegate and county party stuff again– maybe, I think? I dunno… sudeennly this project became far more interesting to me than politics. Would be kinda cool to dive all the way in. But I’m fighting for my life in the dem party and that’s where my chips are pushed all the way in right now– YOU ALL SHOULD JOIN ME.
THERE ARE A LOT OF CHRISTIANS IN THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO THINK THESE ARE JUST GODLESSS BABY KILLING MONSTERS.
In fact, I’d say 80% of every room I’m in is people of faith. And it’s really cool– we never force anyone to pray to a god of any kind. We just show up and try to make demcoracy not suck. Worker Bee shit. Point being for those of you worried that I’m trying to make you vote dem… I mean… what do you think I’m killing myself and burning my rep publicly here for? Vanity?
Ask yourself why that idea of voting dem is so scary…. and why fascism doesn’t worry you more?
Asa far as I can tell the AIO team has not seen this yet. I expect tat to change any day and when it does– I’m terrified what that day looks like. Will they smear me. I dunno. Will I be sued? cease & desist? They know part of what’s coming and tey also have no idea of the story I’m gonna drop on their ass and the whole movemnt. My poverty works here because I have nothing to lose.
I hope I can make it work.
Which brings me back to you all. Those of you reading…
I’ve sent this to a small very small number of twitter people I follow in exvangelical scene who’s work I enjoy and lurk on. Maybe they’ll see this post.
Other than that, and the small posts on FB I have not tried to publicize this at all.
I just wanted to see who this would initially attract.
Welcome. YOU ARE THE FLIES CAUGHT IN MY WEB. BWAHAAHAHAAHA
I’m going to attempt something and maybe it will work and maybe it won’t… I want to see if a community can organically spring up here. THis work right now has the fewest eyeballs on it at any time in the history of this project moving forward.
All of you reading this sentence right now, I can’t see hrough the sound proof glass what’s working in this blog or not. I can’t see you laugh. I can’t see you cry. I don’t know if you’re reading the links– ACTUALLY FUCK THAT I DO KNOW BECAUSE THOSE LINKS BARELY GET CLICKED. So I gotta figure that one out.
THis is a rough draft. I need input. That comment section exists for a reason. We debated not having one but I insist on making this a safe space for people of opposing views to come togethhr and have their lives respected. EVERYONE’S LIFE STORY WILL BE RESPECTED HERE. If you respect mine I damn sure will respect yours. Share. What are you feeling? What do you like? What’s funny? What’s confusing? Do you have questions? Have I made things unclear? Does this inspire you to share parts of your life with us? Set that example. Show people this is a place where DAve will listen to you. I have a foot in both these worlds… I am a peace maker. THis is what I do as an empathic artist. I love poeple. Let us love you!
Also. IS MY STYLE OFF PUTTING OR TOO OBNOXIOUS? And I don’t mean the word fuck.
^ this really is a concernof mine. This probably worries me more than anything else because a lot of effort is going into the character perspective of the piece and tone and viewpoint. I’m hoping that’s fun and uniqueish. I can’t tell if it works or not though would appreciate feedback.
I’m trying to do something new– I think?!? Maybe it’s not new… would that matter if it wasn’t hmmm. New has novelty and that attracts eyeballs… hmmm.
I can’t help it.
I’m an artist ffs. And I believe that part of the problem in the evangelical world is The Memeology of Theology™ (future post). And that language and phrases are trapping people. And so one of my goals is to create a fun and silly visual style so it’s easy to read on phones and tablets and whatnot that hopefully will be something that as we get into the sad horrifically sad part it will still bring a chuckle– BTW ALL THIS DAMAGE TO MY LIFE WAS WHILE I WAS WRITING THE MOST FUN PART OF THE STORY. Imagine the damage to my life with what’s coming fuck me I’m not looking forward to it bUT GAS CHAMBERS AND GALLOWS SOUND WORSE.
And for some of my christians reading this who are still stuck in your political cult and think that willl never happen here… they just found a bucket of gold teeth ina torture chamber in the Ukraine where tthe Russians were using pliers to pull teeth from citizens. That story broke Fri oct 7 2022. There is genocide occurring there nOW. Russia is sending mentally ill soldiers they are send their homeless knowing they will die to commit genocied. If you think that won’t happen here to you and me and everyone we know… I encourage to visit your nearest Native American Nation/Reservation and ask them what christian cults do in this country when they run this government.
I fucking DARE you to get an education.
Do you even know the name of your nearest tribe and if not WHY NOT?
Fucking google it and look at the pictures “gold teeth ukraine”.
I have gold teeth.
I’m fighting for my life.
What are you doing for my life?
Does my life matter to yoou?
This is the question i intend to pose to the world. I wish I could do it now. But even if I wriote every single day for 18 hours a day for the next 5 weeks there’s no way enough people would even see it in time.
I have to Trust in The Wild Horses of this art project. I believe there will be a gravitational effect here. It’s why Twitter matters but I may need a backup plan if Musky McFuckface… whatever.
I need you to help seed some of the conversation in those notes and comments. I’m curious to know too– last night I read the whole thing beginnig to end for the first time… I’m honestly can’t tell sometimes if this good or not. One day I’m certain I”m onto something astonishing here. The next dayit looks like shit to me.
I’m an artist with extreme and severe deperssion and need feedback it’s not uncommon for me to delete entire scripts on a whim
someone tell me not to do that here so I can see that during the months when I’m depressed because I constantly re-read comments sometimes for years later— OH
ALSO ALL MY SUICIDE ATTEMPTS HAVE OCCURRED IN NOVEMBER AND DECEMBER and so theother reason I was trying to push this volume out NOW is because I know that I may be incapacitated in the next two months. I hope not.
I feel depeleted right now. BUT I also feel tremendously energized and encouraged by the response some of you have given me. Am I crazy? Or am I doing somethig good here? I would keep writing every day if I could afford to.
This is not a vanity project.
I know this first section was all about how “great an actor” I am but that was really to hook the Odyssey crowd and give them what they always wanted. And then maybe they will trust my voice and story. For years I’ve thought… Would they listen to Jimmy Barclay? When Simone Biles did that shit I knew I had permission FINALLY. Maybe the evangelicals will still be fuckfacepoopheads (technical term) to me but at least there’s enough people in the world that will have my back.
For those of you worried about my well being on this project… IT WOULD ACTIVELY DIRECTLY HELP MY LIFE IF YOU WOULD VOTE BLUE.
I live on Social Security Disability. The Republicans want to kill it. If they do I will be homeless and probably die. How much does my life matter to you?
I had wanted to save that info for volume 3… wait…4? I may come back and cut that info out in the next couple weeks that’s just for you 200 or so.
Back to my well being.
Yes the creative whirlwind I just rode is probably the most intense of my life. I literally can not explain what the last two weeks has been like… maybe when we get to the end of this story.
An artist I trust IMMENSELY… probably one of the 5-6 truly Corey Burton level of great artists I know… anyway, one of those people remarked to me after I outed myself and went to her home to decompress, “I think you might be writing a seminal work right now.” That’s how this feels I will admit. But also, I’ve been delusional before and I need barometers. But when she said that… to hear another person say it without prompting gave it a heft and seriousness that helped. Agreee? Disagree? is that too arrogant to even consider? The reason I ask for confirmation is that it will help to give me purpose and focus.
One problem I have, and you will learn this in volume 2. Is that I don’t trust my own barometer. being in the mental system you learn to doubt yourself for the rest of your life. Is what i’m experienceing real?
And this is why I look for PeopleBarometers™ in my life. Voices I can trust. Is this good? Does it suck? Will you tell me the truth?
add to my wishlist:
fuck i’m gonna need someone who knows how to make apps
I can see this becoming an incredibly cool thing, because the part of this that’s surprising me right now is that I thought this would really only appeal to the AIO people. I am SHOCKED at how wonderfully supportive some of you in my political space are who have been reading. Andy and Anna and Tobia and Patrick and thank you all it amazes me that this interesting to you all. That honestly never occurred to me. ANd it gives me hope that this may have a broader appeal which I am trying to write for, but to see it work is so damn gratifying… makes the work feel worth it. THANK YOU FOR THE INPUT AND FEEDBACK.
After Outing, I was instantly sent several personal video testimonies after I outed and I think this could be an awesome way of creating dialogue and conversation. Maybe there needs to be a fan portal or discussion area. How do I make that?
CAN YOU TELL I SUCK AT TECH
Story telling I can do. Blogging… jesus fucking christ it took me 4 posts to figure out italics. I am way too slow and old at tech.
I will end wit this thought.
After dropping the post credit scene that utterly blew my mind 29 years ago I spent the next day mostly in shock. Jesus was that yesterday? Feels like a month ago.
Anyway… for those ofyou that hope for catharsis for me… something shook my world that I did not expect and am still unpacking the magnitude of but am also trying to check whether I’m delusional or not.
A question I had asked God for yeaars that never got answered and lead to my mostly giving up on the whole concept of God for 30 years… um
In a way that shook me to my core.
I have spent 30 years trying to think of how to ever describe the moment I met Steve Burns on that first day.
And yesterday I just laid there and kept rereading the buildup and the bit with WHite Rabbit (is that cheesy and too Old Man btw? everybody uses white rabbit but THAT’s WHY I THINK IT CAN WORK AS A MUSICAL HOOK IT’S A SONG EVERYONE KNOWS RIGHT Especially a lot of Evangelicals who are usually 20 cultural years behind the times due to homeschooling and whatnot? Trying to use words to put music in people’s heads so they can create the crescendo tension soundtrack while they read is something I definitely want to explore more here… hmm may not be worth it iunno.
Like did that pop at the end for you? Or was that an unnecessary distraction? Or cheesy I hate cheesy unless it ‘s ironic cheesy)
But as I was laying tere reading it and re-re-re-re-re-expereincing this moment from 29 years ago.
SUddenly it hit me like a fucking freight train– I now know WHY.
Either I’m crazy as fuck… or there might be something about to… happen… in my life.
This will mean nothing whatsoever to my non-religious peoples.
Regardless, I would like to keep plugging along and could use some perspective and encouragement or notes. I’ve purged and I’d like to listen and get to know you all.
Oh yeah… I’ve been so busy Riding the Wild Horses that I have not had the mental bandwidth to respond to the few messages I’ve received so far.
Looking at you James. I’ve read every damn word you’ve sent me and your particpation here matters and you matter sir. And I feel terrible that you’ve contributed and I was so… laser focused… I literally did not have the spoons. Been bugging me for a whole month because you were one of the first tio jump in and my silence is ruuuuuude! I just wanted to be able to– because you wrote so much– to really take time and respond well instead of just dashing off THANKS BRUH.
So to all of you. Joey. Devon. James. shit trying to find my tab with all my messages and can’t find it I NEED A FUCKING ASSITANT ffs
BUT I WANTED TO INDIVIDUALLY WRITE YOUR NAMES SO YOU KNOW I SEE YOU AND YOU MATTER TO ME. ANd I am so fucking exhausted I don’t have the bandwidth for that. BUt I will get to it. I see you Connor. I Isee you Leslie. love you all so damn much. Anita Angela and DAVID YOUELL htf do I forget you? My brains are scrambled. Sorry guys. Peter Ian Bex from the very beginning i see you!
I. WILL. RESPOND. I just need to recover. Leave town for a few days and do some deep, some severly deep thinking without distraction.
I got shookedified. for realsies.
I really can’t say more unless I see certain things… uh… click.
BUT. whoa baby if what hit me is real. If it’s just mental illness…. no biggie.
Again NIchole Arnold I’m so sorry please don’t hate me. THANKS A LOT WILD HORSES.
Fuck. Being an artist… it is a hard ass life in this country. With no mercy.
But… sometimes… you can catch lightning in a bottle.
I’ve done it before and I know I’m capable of it. Will this be one of those… hmmm.
Or is this the thing that I bust my ass and think is genius and then 6 months later it looks like teenage navelgazing bullshit. ohdearohdear
BTW THIS ^ is sometimes how I’ll just flow non-sequitor when I’m letting ideas drift in and out and that’s why it’s a little chaotic and haphazard. This has been me pontificating for 4 hours…
I know there’s more… but I”m tired.
ALSO IS THIS POST INTERESTING AND VALUABLE TO YOU OR IS THIS NOT WORTH PUTTING INTO THIS PROJECT?
This post reminas unifinished