Alright sheep. Gather round.
You’ve been patient with me. You’ve stuck it out this far.
And this is probably the last post of the Intro section of our journey here. Maybe one more small post after this (still deciding) before we really get rolling with the narrative.
At this point, I’d like to first say, “thank you”.
Thank you for at least making it this far. I know for some of you, the language and humor style may be off-putting and a distraction that makes it difficult to read some of this stuff. We’ll get to that in second here.
But thank you. You could give your time and energy to anything on the planet and you’ve expressed enough interest to make it this far. I hope I’ve at least gotten you to chuckle and maybe blow your mind a little bit.
And so I’m gonna throw ya a bone to show that I’m not just some gratuitous, profane punk trying to piss everyone off for no reason.
Let’s talk about the Rules of this blog.
That should make you happy, right? Nobody loves Rules more than Fucking Evangelicals.
They LOVE Rules. The more the better! They love Rules from 4,000 years ago even. They don’t really like any of the Rules now though, do they? No… now they want to change all the Rules to benefit only their worldview. And that’s the problem our country largely finds itself in today.
So, since you and your political cult all like to vote to impose Rules on me and my family, I will honor that by imposing some Rules right here on you.
Rule 1- This is not an arguing forum.
I’m not here to debate you.
I’m here to share my story, and that’s it.
I’m happy to answer questions in good faith, if you have any. I’m here to clarify if things are unclear. If I make an error of fact, please let me know. I do like being corrected when I’m wrong. But, I’m not here to argue. I have wasted so many hours of my life arguing with fans about why minimum wage is unnecessary and why universal healthcare is communism and why everybody should have guns when little kids are being shot up– oh yeah, we had another school shooting in Texas today. This is going to be a theme throughout, btw… I do intend to work these moments into the narrative because, dear readers, these problems are why I’m doing this.
Side note: in most of my art I hate pop culture references. It immediately dates the material. But in THIS case I will be using events that are happening currently because this is a historical record of the moment. Of my life. Of 2022. of 2012. 2002. 1992. 1982. So, when White Christian Nationalists commit horrific acts, I’m gonna mention them.
Where was I? Ah yes, no arguing. I have exhausted all my bandwidth of trying to convince those who are so firmly stuck in their apocalyptic political cult that they will never, ever, ever, leave it no matter how damaging it is to their lives and everyone around them. They do not see the connections between their actions and the results of the world they engage in– largely because they intentionally don’t engage with the world and so they never see the consequences of their actions– until it’s time to vote and they vote to the watch the world burn while pretending they’re heroes for saving babies that will later be shot by mass murderers that they also vote to arm with unlimited weapons in a country with an evil health care industry that preys upon the sick and dying for profit.
I am not here to satisfy your sociopathic need to be right.
Rule 2: This blog at this time is a living document.
Meaning nothing here is set in stone. I will absolutely be making corrections and edits on all the posts as time goes on, so if you read something today and then wonder a month later why a significant portion was rewritten, that’s my writing and artistic process in action. I’m not trying to hide things. I’m one of those who tends to hate what I write and if I don’t stop myself I’ll just keep endlessly rewriting things.
You are mostly reading a rough draft. This is me purging what’s in my head and doing a few minor corrections to make it readable and then BLAM send it into the ether. I’m operating under the philosophy that done is better than good. Because we’re running out of time with primaries happening… and I really need you all to reconsider how you vote before this November– which is the whole reason why I’m here. I’m not sharing this crap to be vain. I’m using my story to show you how you are a political cult and not a religion based on Jesus’ teachings.
Rule 3: For the purposes of this blog– and this should make you happy– we will be assuming that the Christian Faith is, in fact, correct.
*record player needle scratches*
Wait. Wait. WAIT! Before all my lefty and atheist and Sikh and Jew and Muslim and Hindu and Zoroastran and Orthodox and New Age and everybody in between friends and colleagues get pissed… IT’S FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS BLOG. THE INTELLECTUAL EXERCISE WE ARE HAVING HERE.
And since my audience is largely White Evangelicals, and they’re the ones we’re trying to reach and inform and educate, then for these purposes I want them to feel that their religion is going to be respected.
I said before I’m not here to mock you or belittle you. I mean, I talk mad shit and I’m profane and show no reverence, but you’ll see why. It does NOT mean I don’t respect those who actually practice Christianity.
I respect Christianity whenever it is rarely applied in the world. I do not respect Fucking Evangelicals. At no time, will I ever confuse the two… like you have. Because, I do not believe that White Evangelical Political Cult is a valid practice of Christianity. And I intend to prove it on these pages.
Now, many of you are very well trained in the Bible. Oh man, you’ve gone to Bible schools your whole life. They made so much money off your family. You know every word of this book so well you’ve completely missed the point of it. Like Ken Ham.
Some of you are pastors and lead churches and youth groups.
And so guess what… I’m still not gonna argue with you. I’ve had to spend the entirety of my life listening to YOUR interpretations of this book.
Now you get my version.
I adhere mostly to the four gospels.
Remember the Red Words?
It is a 100% foregone conclusion, that you know more about this book than I do. I’m gonna cite the wrong things and make a whole mess of it. And you’re gonna want to tsk tsk me. And I will not care. Maybe I’ll care if I’m egregiously wrong and make a correction, but if you think this is going to be a debate on who knows the Bible better, I already concede the point to you. You win. Go back and read Rule 1.
Now shut the fuck up and listen.
Rule 4: Children. This is NOT for kids. It’s one of the reasons I’m being so vulgar.
Adventures in Odyssey is a children’s show. And whatever issues I may have with the parent company or things that happened internally to me, I still believe that a child’s space is sacred.
I’m not here to hurt kids. My audience are people of voting age. Teens are fine because they swear more than I do anyway and they’ll be voting soon.
But it is not my goal to manipulate how children think. That’s the job of FOTF and AIO!
So, this rule is very, VERY important to me. If you have any tiny shred of respect for the work I did that you enjoyed, PLEASE do not share this blog to any spaces of fandom for the show.
I really mean this from the bottom of my soul.
If you’re on a social media platform that celebrates Adventures in Odyssey:
DO NOT SHARE THIS CONTENT TO THAT AUDIENCE.
DO NOT SHARE THIS CONTENT ON FAN SITES, FORUMS, POSTS, PAGES WHERE YOUNG PEOPLE ARE STILL ACTIVELY ENGAGED WITH THE SHOW.
This blog can be shared personally. Reddit scares the living shit outta me, but if it’s in the right thread, whatever.
You wanna share posts on your own platforms, awesome! I’m honored if you think that highly of what I’m doing here.
But, let’s keep the kids out of this. Let them enjoy their show. Please. The world is a shitty, scary place. Let’s not ruin things that make kids happy.
I have no way of enforcing this.
And I’m gonna have to trust in you, dear reader, to help protect this content and those kids. If you see abuse of this material, call it out. I don’t need people thinking I’m trying to ruin these kid’s experience.
Please. Let’s not break that trust. He said into the Internet….
Rule 5: No doxxing or harassing myself, my family, my colleagues, any of the people affiliated with White Evangelicalism or the organizations I intend to call out.
This is a harassment free zone.
I’m gonna try as hard as I can to not call out individuals. That’s not what this is about. I’m fighting a system.
This project exists for two people. YOU. And whoever you show this to.
Wherever two or more are gathered, that’s where I want this blog to be.
The goal of this is project is to affect how YOU think. YOUR circles of influence.
We’re not here to perpetrate mob tactics and harm people.
That is the absolute opposite of what I want happen.
If this works, that should be unnecessary. The goal of the project is to *inhales* tell my story so that you can see why I made the change from right wing evangelical voter to die hard socialist blue voting Democrat until we sweep every last Fake Fucking Evangelical GOP bastard out of office and reset this country to sanity. *exhales*
That’s it. That’s the goal.
I’m not here to battle you.
You may find yourself getting angry when you read this. You may feel all sorts of emotions. You may think me a godless, heretic, devil-possessed, crazed maniac trying to convert all you Holys into mean ole atheists who grimace all the time.
And you may think you’re gonna send me a message to rebuke me, totally missing the point that I’m the one here rebuking you.
Go ahead send that message. It will end up in the trash. Read Rule 1.
HOW THE STORY WILL UNFOLD
So this isn’t really a rule, more of me wanting to let you in on my process and what it might look like in the journey ahead.
These first posts have largely been about setting the Tone. Style. Humor. Audience. Expectations.
And so it’s been not quite so personal yet.
The next section is really the first half of this blog, I think.
I’m torn between telling the story out of order because there are themes that are critical now that jump all throughout and I really want to get the guts of the story NOW so we can move past the major spoiler and onto the aftermath.
Or whether to tell it chronologically, because chronologically explains everything better, more clearly.
The downside to chronologically is that it’s going to take longer to write the whole thing which means it’s going to take longer to get to the Aloha Oy story.
BUT THAT’S OKAY BECAUSE YOU STILL HAVEN’T LISTENED TO IT YET, RIGHT?
So, since you’ve failed to do your homework, we AALLLL have to wait.
And now I have more work to do.
And therein lies the rub.
I’m a busy person and this is taking a massive amount of time already. It’s also bringing up some unhealthy things and not a very pleasant experience.
I say all that to say this: I may stop this effort at any point without any reason given. That’s not my intent, but… life is fucked. And I may decide this isn’t worth my time anymore. I could ghost y’all.
I know that for many profanity and vulgarity are unseemly.
What happened to our little Jimmy? How did he become so crude?
When we get to the second half of this story you will understand this better. This is why it’s difficult to determine the order of delivery. See if I pop the cork now, then the profanity makes more sense. And if I explain it now without that, it may not resonate as deeply.
But, in choosing to move in chronological order it forces me to wait on that moment. And I know that the R rating on the material here is really offputting to the crowd I’m most trying to reach.
So, I’m going to explain it briefly here.
There was a point in my life when the shift away from Evangelicaltopia put me in a spot of cultural and social wandering. I was adrift. And I had learned at that point that Fucking Evangelicals were absolutely poisonous to my recovery. And so I adopted certain aesthetic strategies as a way to instantly identify if I was in the presence of an Evangelical.
The way I dress. My hair. But, I found cussing and fart jokes worked better than anything.
Say the word fuck in a crowd. “that’s fucking cool”. Watch how many people tense up around you. And fart jokes… see that person scrunching their nose in disgust? Fucking Evangelicals, man. Steer clear.
I have fans that worry me. Their grasp of things… concerns me.
I want these people to read the first 3-4 posts and decide this really is NOT for them. Good. Bye. Go the hell away. This is not for you.
This is for the people who don’t like swearing, but really enjoy rated R movies. If you can sit through a George Carlin monologue you can survive this.
The swearing is a habit I developed as a defensive strategy to protect myself.
The other function, is that it hid me in society better to people who were NOT christians or evangelicals when I was trying to shed a lifetime’s worth of Evangelical aesthetics. I stuck out like a sore thumb.
When you censor yourself for Holy reasons, then you miss so much of the conversation of humanity. You remove yourself from the people who are suffering. When someone is going thru a life changing problem that’s gonna send them to jail and they’re suicidal… THEY SAY FUCK A LOT.
And how can you be a friend to that person if you cringe every time that word is spoken? I once had someone tell me to stop using the Lord’s name in vain when I said “goddammit” while I was trying to explain an intense thing. Boy that killed the conversation fast.
For most of my adult life I have heard a particular phrase repeated. Many different people all over the world. “You’re the only christian friend I have.”
That should explain to you the kinds of crowds I run in. That’s how faaaar away I got from Fucking Evangelicals.
It also explains WHY I’M DOING THIS. Because these are the people most in need of christian kindness and charity. And they never see you because you’re never around.
AND I SUSPECT THE REASON YOU’RE NOT THERE IS BECAUSE IT’S DISTASTEFUL, THERE’S DRUGS AND BOOZE AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE, AND THE PEOPLE SWEAR A FUCK TON.
And for Fucking Evangelicals– it’s better to go to Bible study on Wednesday night than play cards with the homies.
But playing cards with the homies is where you actually see how the way you vote affects most of the people in this world.
And the homies stiffen up when you’re around. Because the second they say “fuck” your body language changes and now they’re on guard that you’re about to lecture them, or they’ll be proselytized to, or judged. Like, Evangelicals really don’t work well in society. You’ve removed yourselves from it so hard that when you attempt to interact… it doesn’t really work. You stick out like sore thumbs.
Your piousness is a hindrance to communication and loving one another.
Say “fuck” more often. You’ll be surprised at the kinds of enlightening, profound conversations that you’ve been missing out on all your life. And the wonderful, beautiful people you’ll meet who also say “fuck”.
I guess it’s time to get rolling.
This next section is probably what most of you will be most interested in. My childhood (briefly) and my time on the show.
The first 20 years.
It will not be comprehensive. And I’m probably going to tell this in a way that may not fully satisfy. This is not a behind-the-scenes tell all.
I’ll give glimpses. Share some fun stories. I’ll try to say fuck less…. MAYBE.
IF YOU’RE WELL-BEHAVED.
Pull up a chair.
Let’s do this thing.
Oh. One. More. Thing.
If you are enjoying what I’m doing.
If I made you laugh.
If I made you think.
A kind word is always appreciated and helps to fuel me when I have doubts.
While this is mostly a monologue, I do want to foster communication.
So, if you can spare a comment below…
As much as I talk, I listen, too.