“… We didn’t land on Plymouth Rock, the rock was landed on us.”

-Malcolm X

There’s nothing Fucking Evangelicals love better (other than Rules) than proclaiming ad nauseam that this is a Christian Nation.

Let’s have a Davestyle history lesson about this Christian Nation concept.

This is a story about illegal immigrants, traveling uninvited across a body of water, to a foreign land that belongs to someone else, in search of a better life, and abusing the CHARITY and goodwill of the people who lived there when they came to replace the people who live there.

They were filthy, diseased illegals who prayed to weird gods and had rituals and spoke the wrong language. THEY ALSO BROUGHT GUNS FOR THEIR INVASION (which is why they weren’t murdered by the locals who hated them).

Build the wall, right?

What’s that?…. Mexico? All you racists think I’m talking about Mexico and Guatemala and El Salvador?

Nooooo, I’m talking about a group of illegals faaaar scarier than that. I’m talking about those dirty Fucking Pilgrims™. The Fucking Evangelicals of their day.

Because, in my belief, this is where this particular apocalyptic political cult problem started.

Yes, Columbus and Cortez and all those European monsters certainly brought death, disease, genocide, rape, murder, enslavement… for certain.

But, this project is not about the whole of white European supremacy on this continent. Others can write about those things far better than I can. This is about a very specific component of white supremacy that I am familiar with.

This is the story of the first apocalyptic political cult to land on these shores. The great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great granddaddy of the Fucking Evangelicals.

As a kid, every student in the US learns about those noble pilgrims. They just wanted some religious freedom, right? And they came across an ocean and landed on these shores in the name of Jesus and Christianity. They almost died, but some nice, dark-skinned people helped them survive a harsh winter and they had a fancy feast together and thus was born Thanksgiving. The Pilgrims, these Christian forefathers, also had the good sense to create Democracy. Yay!
Praise Jesus!

Man, these sound like really wonderful people, right?

This is the narrative that was thrust into each of our brains at as-young-an-age-as-possible as we made Pilgrim hats cut out of construction paper every Thanksgiving season in our secular, godless, commie, public schools. And if you’re a white evangelical, the story of the pilgrims is proof that this is a Christian nation. It was founded as such!

And the success of the Fucking Pilgrims and their holy crusade to create a Christian nation without interference from meddling Kings then gave birth a century and a half later to the First Amendment of the US Constitution that there would be no government established religion. People would be free to worship however they chose.

The Original Big Lie in American politics.

You’re free to worship, as long as you also worshipped how they chose… otherwise you would not be welcomed in their cult anymore.

You ever hear a Fucking Evangelical tell you, “It’s Freedom OF religion not Freedom FROM religion.” One of my favorite clueless memes from the Evangies.

They mean that. They can not conceive of a world where this is NOT a Christian nation. It was how it was founded. Duuuuuuuuh. Not believing in God disqualifies you from running governments, in their holiest opinions. Or praying to different gods– they don’t like that, do they?

What’s not taught to children is that the pilgrims were actually, in my severely uneducated opinion, the first American apocalyptic political cult that didn’t like the rules of the government they lived under.

When they lived in Englandtopia, they didn’t like King Whatever His Name Was for being too close to the Roman Catholic Empire because THAT’S FALSE CHRISTIANITY.

I’ve mentioned it before, but it bears repeating… ya know, God really should have written the Bible better. So much misunderstanding– weird that God Almighty sucks at communication so bad when He created Galaxies and shit.

Where was I, ah yes. The Fucking Puritans™. The ones whose interpretation of The Jesus Letters was so much more pure and righteous and untainted by politics than anyone else. In England, these poor oppressed people weren’t even allowed to pray in public. The Horror! Probably because the British found them obnoxious as fuck and so passed a law demanding that people pray at home. Quietly. Ya know, like Jesus said to pray. Without making a show of it.

But, the Puritans really wanted to let EVERYONE know just how fucking uberChristian they were and they didn’t like being forced by a government to change their habits which were bothering others.

So what did they do? They fled. Like every cult from Jim Jones, to the Mormons, and every other group that uses the plight of the Ancient Jews being led to the Promised Land as inspiration to dodge the consequences of their actions. The Pilgrims needed God to provide them a better place to live so they can worship in peace.

Fuck England. We’re going to… to… Hollandtopia! Woohoo. They tolerate religious freedom, right? Praise Jesus!

Well, the problem in Holland is that these dirty foreigners were being given really shitty jobs that didn’t pay well and they didn’t understand the language and they didn’t really assimilate into the Dutch culture. Weird that Jesus’ chosen people weren’t being better protected by God in their new Promised Land. Maybe the prosperity gospel hadn’t happened yet and so the riches hadn’t trickled down to them. Hard to say.

And then political things started happening in Holland– like England– that the Fucking Pilgrims didn’t like. AGAIN. They were getting antsy. Their Dutch Promised Land was turning more and more into a hellscape that they needed to unplug from. AGAIN. And this political cult was really getting good at leaving countries when they didn’t like the politics. Assimilate? FUCK NO.

You don’t assimilate when you have Jesus on your side. You make people assimilate to YOU. The problem is clearly that they need to start their own country. Because, if there’s one thing Fucking Pilgrims or their descendants don’t like to do is pay attention to data points or patterns or learning anything that humankind is trying to teach them about how fucking toxic they are.

Having abandoned not one, but two countries because they just can’t handle living with anyone that disagrees with them-sound familiar?– they told their cult to get their affairs in order and after making a bargain with some shady capitalists who would help finance their efforts, they bought some… um… questionable boats.

The Mayflower was questionable? No, no. I’m talking about the other boat.

The Speedwell. An interesting fact about the Speedwell is that when they tried sailing it, the damn thing would leak. The leak was repaired… and it would suddenly spring another leak. Repaired again. Leaked again. Finally, the Fucking Pilgrims, decide to head back, sell the Speedwell which was now working just fine and all the folk on the Speedwell crammed onto the Mayflower.

It was suspected that the master of the boat, fearing death and starvation in the New World– btw, doesn’t New World kind of have an apocalyptic feel to it? Just me? Ok. Anyway, there was suspicion that sabotage was afoot! And that the crew was intentionally doing this because they knew this was a suicide mission.

And here’s the point that I really, really want to make.

And this is Dave Theory. I could be wrong here. But, two countries were really hoping to get rid of these obnoxious assholes who had a stick so far up their butts that they were really unpleasant people to be around. They were such overly pious bastards that they literally could not fit into a normal society wherever they went.

I suspect that the Mayflower and the Pilgrims- that it was absolutely assumed these people would die. And the world would never again have to hear the lectures, the holier-than-thou bullshit, the posturing, the moralizing, the intrusion into politics. The Pilgrims are going to the New World?!? LET’S GET YOU A BOAT.

And everybody pats themselves on the back thinking this stupid cult is gonna drown, starve, or freeze to death in their first winter and collapse and vanish into obscurity like Roanoke did and no one will ever hear of them ever again.

Praise Jesus!

There’s a part of the narrative that gets overlooked. European supremacy was already around by this point for a hundred years. The Pilgrims were not the first. What they found when they finally came ashore was a settlement of native population that had died out from European disease. The dirty, diseased Europeans had already been thru and decimated the locals. So, the Fucking Pilgrims desecrated some native graves as their first official act on US soil, stole some seeds and beans that didn’t belong to them– criminal fucking illegals– and managed to found a tiny little colony.

Now, there’s a funny thing that happens when Apocalyptic Political Cults don’t die when they’re supposed to. They think their survival was a miracle from God!

They’re the chosen ones! God protected them! Hallelujah!!!!

A religious friend of mine once had cancer. He had no insurance because his employer was a dick millionaire who expects all his employees to work 7 days a week without benefits. And this religious friend of mine didn’t see anything wrong with that because capitalism is what we do in this Christian nation. And so he had to get family members to drop everything and help him get emergency health insurance before he died and they found him some doctors who would take the emergency health insurance and those doctors and nurses and hospital staff then cut the tumor out and voila!

GOD HEALED HIM.

Wait. No. His family and the doctors healed him. But not to him.

IT WAS A MIRACLE! Praise Jesus!

This is the confirmation bias that our original dirty illegal immigrants known as the Fucking Pilgrims also succumbed to.

They believed themselves to be building a New Jerusalem. Because in White Evangelicaltopia the Christians are really exactly like the Ancient Jews because that’s what happens when you read only one book 10,000 times. You start to identify with the main characters too much. And you see yourself as a persecuted minority being oppressed by the godless politicians who use religion to make a profit and control people- and that’s YOUR job.

And so, you flee, you find your Promised Land and you survive the journey and get helped by the native folk providing the Pilgrims CHARITY otherwise the Pilgrims would have died– LIKE. GOD. AND. EUROPE. INTENDED.

BUT CHARITY SAVED THE PILGRIMS. Not God.

And because of this CHARITY… the Fucking Pilgrims would survive and their diseased offspring cult babies would eventually grow and multiply endlessly spreading the word that God had given the Pilgrims this new Promised Landtopia.

I believe this is the genesis of the American White Nationalist Evangelical Apocalyptic Political Cult.

This political cult did NOT die out like it was supposed to.

Like Malcolm X alluded to, this political cult of religious wackos utterly wreaked havoc on this continent. They stole everything. They massacred everyone. Enslaved other continent’s peoples. They made up rules to suit themselves and then when the rules started benefitting others they would change the rules.

It’s the same political cult responsible for the Salem Witch trials. Ya know, where they butchered mentally ill people and anyone else they wanted to label monsters.

And that cult would give birth to the obstinance of the country. Hardwired into the genetic coding of this country is a political cult belief that government is bad unless they run it. And so their descendants would go to war against the England they left… England was kicking itself thinking “we should’ve just shot them all here for their sedition and not given those fuckers a boat– they were supposed to die”.

And that same political cult would later infect the Southern portion of this continent (and everywhere else) and a hundred or so years after the ole anti-government Revolution this cult started an anti-government Civil War right here!

Wait. Why would a bunch of religious nutjobs want to start a Civil War against their own Christian Nation that God gave them that they built with miracles and bootstraps and certainly no CHARITY or help from anyone??

Because there was this problem. The holiest and most powerful political cult members were now major landholders, something their great, great, great granddaddies were never able to achieve as they left many countries in poverty. But now, with a whole continent of native people’s dying out and being replaced, suddenly land was super cheap to have large plantations. Which presented a massive problem– who is going to do all this labor? And these descendants of CHARITY abusers liked having lots of laborers they didn’t have to pay and they liked having dark-skinned people from other continents continue to provide them CHARITY for free… solution? Chattel slavery!

And remember, this ole Bible that was so poorly written by God that no one can agree on what it says, clearly states that there’s nothing wrong with having slaves. Jesus never said we couldn’t have slaves.

Do you, dear Fucking Evangelical reader, believe we should go back to slavery?

The Bible does not forbid slavery.

Btw… The Fucking Pilgrims didn’t invent slavery. It was already in full swing by the time they arrived. But one of their tactics as a cult is to adopt the practices of the locals when it suits their interest. Remember this tactic. It will repeat a LOT.

Sooooooooooo. Now what.

Welp. There’s no more places to go to. And now you can’t pick up your plantation and take it with you when you leave– all your wealth is tied up in that land. And when you can’t escape and restart a whole new country again the options are limited. So, if ya can’t leave your country, what’s left?

Well, this old apocalyptic political cult with all their guns got together and they had themselves a nasty Civil War cuz they’re incompetent and suicidal– just like the Fucking Pilgrims. They eventually got their asses kicked in and destroyed everything they’d built. And rather than finally– FINALLY admitting they were wrong… what did they do?

Nothing. They doubled down. They don’t think they’re wrong. Still. They created a whole system of apartheid because the poorly written Bible says blacks and whites shouldn’t mingle or marry or be humane to each other even though this Apocalyptic Political Cult’s great great great granddaddies had literally been saved by CHARITY, this political cult would ensure no such CHARITY would extend to anyone who doesn’t look like them and talk like them and live in the same way as them… it’s almost like this political cult is really exclusionary!

And that political cult would continue on. Through the centuries and decades. The 20th Century would arrive, and all these racist cultists who care more about politics serving their religion would continue to survive, and exist, despite God and humanity’s best effort to kill these assholes off– or their own efforts to kill themselves off with their suicidal behavior (their COVID response makes more sense now don’t it?).

They survived again after the Civil War they started and lost because of the CHARITY of the Federal Government not completely demanding reparation or completely burning their whole society to the ground. (Sherman’s March was an incomplete job)

So, these political separatist cultists keep getting CHARITY to aid their existence over the centuries despite their best efforts to kill themselves. Again. And again. And again. Praise Jesus!

What a fucking concept. Because it sure seems like this political cult is not very generous in return. At least they pay taxes to their Christian government, right? WAIT. THEY DON’T?!?

THEY STILL GET CHARITY?!?!?!? Fuckin’ moochers.

And this political cult has persisted and lasted all the way up until 1971.

When a racist POS posing as a religious leader didn’t like having to let black people come to his and his racist buddies’ apocalyptic political cult colleges and schools. Colleges that had been started with the express intention of building an army of white christian warriors… who would take over their government some day and return it to the hands of God’s Chosen Apocalyptic Political Cult.

See, they didn’t like the world’s greatest education system because it didn’t cater to their white supremacy insanity. And so what do these cultists do when they don’t fit in? They leave! So they left the education arena and created their own education industrial complex free from government intrusion. Praise Jesus!

See the pattern here?

And an entire continent of white descendants of Fucking Pilgrims™ would spread this apocalyptic political cult all over this country. They are absolutely convinced that they have the pipeline to God and no one else does. That their interpretation is the correct one above all others. And whenever they can’t control the rules of their government to suit their batshit crazy religious crap, they either leave… or THEY TRY TO BURN DOWN THEIR COUNTRY AND TAKE OVER THE GOVERNMENT.

Almost… almost like what’s happening… now.

You see what happens when a cult gets CHARITY and thinks it’s a miracle from God and they’re arrogant and clueless and cruel?

The Fucking Pilgrims begat the Fucking Confederacy who begat the Fucking Evangelicals.

And they just want free handouts. And none for anybody else, thank you very much. Just like the dirty, rotten, selfish, illegal immigrants they are.

Remember their greedy relationship to CHARITY.

We will come back to this a LOT.

Fucking Pil-vangelicals. Y’all suck.

A critically important article on this apocalyptic political cult.