Dave Griffin

The Prodigal

I got nuthin

Dear Friends & Fans & Readers & Passersbywhostumbledinhere…

I am struggling to write.

And I’m realizing I’m a bit down.

A conversation last week kinda made me feel as though there was no point to doing any of this. And that I’m just spinning my wheels. And that I’ve written too much for people to consume and that this whole effort was a colossal waste of time.

And as I’m trying to convince myself otherwise… my time is ticking down in this writer’s retreat you all funded. And I feel guilty. Cuz I don’t wanna waste time.

I did want to share something I had been working on with you. In an effort to show I am still working hard even if the results are less-than-impressive in terms of my output.

I recorded the first 2 parts of a conversation with the Host of Focus on Your Own Families, Stephanie Warren, who has been generous at letting me utilize her platform to attempt to bring attention to the work I’m doing here.

I think today, as the second part dropped where I talk about the events after Aloha Oy… hearing myself calling out FOTF/AIO on the same week that they’re having their 1,000th episode gala– that my character is being used to hype but that I was not invited to…

Anyway, hearing myself calling out that organization on this same week that the show I helped make celebrates an astonishing milestone for ANY show…

It’s hitting me very hard. I can’t sleep. I’m worried about blowback. And I’m worried that none of this matters anyways and no one will care.

And I don’t know why I’m writing this other than for transparency to those who funded me… as well as transparency into the creative process and how mental health can fight with creativity and it can leave artists strugglin to produce.

I say all of this to say… I am thinking about You. Whoever You are. Wherever You are. I think about my fans all the time.

I love you all. Deeply.

And I hope that I can weather this little storm of whatever– creative constipation? Propaganda Block? Cold Feet? Nerves?

I dunno. I’m feeling a lot about too many thoughts and it’s all too much.

My heart wants to continue and my mind and soul feel empty.

While I fight this for the next days… I wanted to share the content I had made with Stephanie to the readers who maybe have never heard my voice.

So, I beg your patience. And I hope I can find purpose and conviction to continue.

In the mean time, listen to the dulcet tones of our lovely host and her crazed guest lol.

Part the First

Part the Second

Lemme know if those links don’t work in the comments.

I love you all and I’m sorry my output has slowed and I’m fighting my brain like hell to not suck.

I’m sorry.

dave

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15 responses to “I got nuthin”

  1. Leslie C Avatar
    Leslie C

    I know – I know it feels like you are on a deadline. That you have this space, that time is ticking, you gotta effing move and be productive. But that isn’t how humans work. That’s capitalism talking. Artistry and creativity can’t be forced. And I know November feels like a ticking time bomb, but don’t forget about yourself in all this.

    I think this is important. I am here, and I am listening.

    Your struggles, your thoughts, your ambitions, your – everything – are valid, important, needed, inspiring, and without strings attached. I didn’t give because of a quid pro quo – nah, I was hoping it would spark that creativity – but I also am acutely aware of the *writers* intimate struggle with the page. I’ve been working on multiple large works for YEARS, and every time I get that spark – my brain can’t do it. (Thanks grad school! 😭) I’m terrible at the self talk and the worrying I’m wasting my time (both literally and figuratively). Oh, you started a fanfic in 2018, wrote for 2-ish years, added content in 2023 after a 3 year draught, and then had to abandon it again?! At this rate, I’m not gonna finish till 2028! (And that’s low balling that estimate). But that’s the social concept of time – who the hell cares how long it takes. It’ll come out when it comes out. (And longer works are like that. Especially if the itch to write doesn’t allow you to write in chronological or narrative order!). Don’t forget about yourself, don’t forget about your GOALS. Why are you doing this? What is your objective? You have come SUCH a long way – but I know the difficulties found in the middle, in the weeds. This is (damn this saying) a marathon, not a sprint. Rome wasn’t built in a day. One *literal* day at a time. That’s probably enough in the corny BS, so – ya know. Remember who you are doing this for, reevaluate your goals/objectives, and don’t forget that you are worthy, you mean something to a whole bunch of people, and this MATTERS!!!!

    Reply
  2. Amy Avatar
    Amy

    Step one is to be there for yourself. If you’re not taking care of yourself, you run out of everything you need to offer everybody else. I haven’t posted to my own website since last fall … because I started working through some of my trauma with a therapist and it is fucking exhausting.

    For me, one of the light bulb moments of deconstruction has been recognizing how much of my life I have lived in the fear of being judged by others. The so-called “Christian Love” I grew up with wasn’t love at all, but judgment and shame and control.

    The most important thing you can do is take care of yourself. As vital as this work is, as valuable as your telling your story is … none of that matters if you are no longer her to tell it.

    Please, take whatever time you need to care for yourself in whatever way you need. We’ll still be here when you’re ready and able to write more. ❤️

    Reply
  3. Mark Avatar
    Mark

    Thanks for posting this! I follow Stephanie on Tiktok and am a big fan of her content.

    I echo the other commenters – don’t feel obligated to us. We’re not going to stop being fans of yours because you have writers’ block for a few weeks, or because you’re emotionally drained, or for any reason like that. I agree: please take care of yourself first and foremost!

    Reply
  4. Jonathan W. Avatar
    Jonathan W.

    Keep going…but at the pace that works for you! None of us know your schedule, outline or timeline so any update we get– whenever we get it– is a treasure.

    Reply
  5. Elisa Avatar
    Elisa

    You’re not alone in the ebbs and flows of creative output! Am recently working on my own writing project where writing has slowed down to a trickle. I wanted to let you know, your recent entries have been very powerful to read, especially hearing the first time you met someone who knew about Focus and had been indelibly scarred by them. I shared some of your writing with those close to me, and they described you as a prophet. Your project matters, and this work does matter. Sending love ❤️

    Reply
  6. chanagon Avatar
    chanagon

    My job is also almost entirely self-led, with sporadic and not always reliable feedback, and I also vacillate between thinking it’s super important and thinking it’s a complete waste of time and resources. The fact that I can believe both those things 100%, about the same work, at different times, is a pretty good signal that I am also not entirely reliable with my self-feedback.

    Also, it’s an especially unbalancing time right now!

    Obviously, I don’t know the details of the conversation you’re referring to, but equally obviously, a lot of people are invested in reading this long-form project from start to finish, and perhaps less obviously but still pretty clear from the comments, it’s super meaningful and impactful to many people.

    I kind of enjoy the surprise factor of the sporadic posting schedule (“did he quit…?….whoa, three new posts!!”) and you don’t owe us anything. But we do care about your story, and about your well-being.

    Reply
  7. Jessica Avatar
    Jessica

    I know it’s complicated!! I donated to this project not because I expect posts churned out or because I want you to turn out to be a certain someone or representative of something but to support YOU as a person!! I continue to love the character of Jimmy Barclay (as do my kids) and I’ve read all your posts and am heartbroken that playing him came at such a big cost to you as a person…

    I would think that’s why most people donated…to support you as a person…don’t feel like you own anyone anything!!

    Reply
    1. Amy Avatar
      Amy

      I would think that’s why most people donated…to support you as a person…don’t feel like you own anyone anything!!

      I absolutely agree.

      Reply
  8. Micah Folkers Avatar
    Micah Folkers

    The only reason I’m on this blog is because I care deeply about the actor who was such a huge part of my childhood. I’m interested to hear what’s up with Dave Griffin. No pressure to post content on a schedule man.

    I want to add that I just listened to your three part interview with Stephanie. Honestly it was super enlightening to me because I’ve had a very different experience than what you describe. I still hold strong to faith in Christ because I believe the Bible. However I won’t disagree that it is sickening some of the things that have been done in Christ’s name. Just want you to know that someone who embraces the Bible still cares and wouldn’t have shunned you.

    Reply
  9. chanagon Avatar
    chanagon

    Hey Dave, I’ve been reading the story of John Newton, author of “Amazing Grace”, in Adam Hochschild’s _Bury the Chains_ and thought of you. When the young Newton was busy working his way up the slave trade ladder, he had a major religious awakening and was convicted to make a monumental change in his life……..He stopped swearing.

    (To his credit, he did eventually become a prominent and important abolitionist – something like three decades later, when the movement was already underway.)

    Reply
    1. dave Avatar
      dave

      Hahahahaha yes because that’s what god REALLY needs is fewer potty mouthed slavers.

      Isn’t it interesting that this cult always leads people to make great sacrifices in their lives that amount to upholding the status quo?

      It’s a personal improvement cult, not a world improving one. Unfortunately all those personal improvements somehow never manage to affect anyt great change for progress.

      Only regress. Illiteracy. Performative PG behavior so a person LOOKS clean on the inside.

      This is why I swear like a mother fucker. I dare people to think of me as a sinning, morally bankrupt person. But… am I?

      The greatest proof to me of the non-existence of the Holy Spirit is how all the people who get saved somehow never manage to sell all their possessions to help the poor.

      BUT THEY DON’T SWEAR.

      Reply
      1. chanagon Avatar
        chanagon

        Whitewashed tombs.

        This comment gave me a lot to think about.

        My husband and I were talking about what kinds of systems we might be complicit in, for which our great-grandchildren will condemn us. It was scarily easy to think of a few, and those are just the things in our Overton window.

        I do think a lot of great moral leaps have been made because of people taking Jesus seriously. But that does not seem to be what is happening in the core of American evangelicalism.

        Reply
  10. James Avatar
    James

    Are you ok, Dave?

    Reply
    1. dave Avatar
      dave

      I’ve been struggling pretty hard.
      Trapped in my living situation and unable to write and it’s kinda killing me.

      Sorry it took me so long to respond.

      Reply
  11. James Avatar
    James

    Hang in there, sir. Your life matters and is worth living. Looking forward to reading your next post when you get to it.

    Reply

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