Somewhere in the farthest reaches of the universe where no man made telescope optics could ever reach… there is a place called Heaven™.

And we’ve discussed how epic the party of all parties is.

And we’ve discussed the MegaSwitchBoard™ and how many little lights it has.

And we’ve discussed parties that are so amazing that nobody is paying attention to the MegaSwitchBoard™ because they’re all catcalling Marie Antoinette and begging her for the hookup on TastyLasers™.

But sometimes even Heaven™ has to close for a few hours. Routine maintenance on the servers that need to reset every night as the new updates blah blah blah.

And it was always at this precise time of night… right as Heaven’s IT Team™ does the Ole Reboot… it was always at that time every night that the MegaSwitchBoard™ is switched off– just for a fucking moment– but always and without fail that a signal that SHOULD get through to a blinking red light doesn’t.

Because the fucking server is down.

god

please make it stop

please

what is L’ilDaveyBoyTeenMan™ praying to a dead MegaSwitchBoard™ at this time every night for 40+ years?

what does he want god to stop?

*the room is dark*

*it is the middle of the night*

*a figure lays still beneath a blanket*
*pillow over head*

*the figure seems to be asleep and unmoving*

*but if you stayed watching long enough like a wildlife trail cam…*

*you would see the unmoving figure turn from his left side to his right side and 30 minutes later he will do the reverse*

This person is NOT asleep.

Hasn’t been all night.

*this person is… praying?*

please

make.

it.

stop.

it’s 2:45 in the fucking morning dammit i’m gonna be too tired to catch the early bus to <insert local community college> maybe i can get an extra hour of sleep if I wait for the late one but these buses are only 50/50 on showing up and there’s a fucking test today worth 10% of the grade fuck I’m so tired why if I’m always tired am I never able to fall asleep i don’t get it was falling asleep in class and on the bus but the moment i am here in my bed i. can. not. shut my fucking brain off why did i try to make that stupid joke and hurt her feelings fuck i really liked her and the way she walked away in disgust why am i so stupid like that i’m such a fucking loser asshole always try to be the funny guy and end up offending people why do i do these things why did i even open my mouth

FUCK 3:30 okay i have to take the late bus if it doesn’t show fuck maybe if i kill the midterm and beg for extra credit i hate not being able to drive why the fuck doesn’t southern california have better public transportation 20 million people and we can’t have a decent system to get anywhere why the fuck am i thinking about this would you just stop thinking fuck get sleep you asshole this is why i fail at everything fucking loser i should never have been born can’t even sleep what the fuck is wrong with me

3:57 i’m gonna fail this stupid fucking class because i couldn’t sleep gonna have to drop classes again just like last fall and last spring i just want sleep fuck what is that what’s happening why is my head wet am i sweating it’s cold out why am i sweating

WHY AM I SWEATING

shitfuckwhyamisweating why does my chest feel tight i’m fine it’s fine i’m just stressed out which is why i can’t sleep

AND NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP IS GOING TO MAKE ME FAIL A CLASS

fuuuuuuuck just breathe just breathe this isn’t helping just inhale one two three four five and exhale one two three four five inhale one two three four five exhale one two three four five seeeeeee just relaaaaax
don’t worry
about sleep
or busses
or classes
or tests
or that weird pain in your jaw

WHY DO I HAVE A WEIRD PAIN IN MY JAW

don’t do this dave for fuck’s sake why does this have to happen every single night there’s never any mercy or a break from it just breathe inhale one two three four five exhale one two three four five inhale one two three four five exhale one two three four five inhale one two three four five exhale one two three four five inhale one two three four five exhale one two three four five inhale one two three four five exhale one two three four five inhale one two three four five exhale one two three four five inhale

exhale

*starts to yawn*

!!!WHY !! THE !! FUCK !! IS !! MY !! JAW !! HURTING!!!

!!!AND MY !!! CHEST TOO!!!

!!!DAMMIT!!! WHY AM I HAVING!!! CHEST PAINS !!!! AND IT’S HARD TO BREATH!!!! FUUUUCK!!!!

I’M OK I’LL BE OK JUST BREATHE INHALE ONETWOTHREEFOURFUCK EXHALEONETWOTHREESHITIDON’TWANNADIE I’M NOT HAVING A HEART ATTACK I’M JUST REALLY STRESSED OUT

I’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE

FUUUUUUCK

BREATHE GODAMMIT

i should have never been born

FUCK I CAN !! NOT BE HAVING A HEART ATTACK THE NIGHT !! BEFORE A MAJOR TEST !! DAMMIT I CAN NOT DROP CLASSES AGAIN !! I WON’T BE ABLE TO FACE MY FAMILY !! THE FIRST MEMBER OF MY FAMILY IN 10 GENERATIONS WHO COULDN’T HACK COLLEGE !!

i suck

GODAMMIT I CAN’T FEEL MY LEFT ARM !! PAIN IN JAW !! PAIN IN CHEST !! SHORTNESS OF BREATH !! THIS ISN’T GOOD !! I DON’T HAVE A CAR TO TAKE MYSELF TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM !! AND THERE’S NO BUSSES AT THIS HOUR !! WHAT TIME IS IT !!

!!!FUCK !! IT’S !! 4:30 !! AND !! I !! HAVE !! TO !! BE !! UP !! IN !! 90 !! MINUTES!!!

FUUUUUUUUCK !!! WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN EVERY !!! FUCKING NIGHT THAT I NEED TO REST AND !!! HAVE A GOOD DAY !!! THE NEXT DAY AND I FUCK IT !!! UP WHAT THE !!! FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME

i wouldn’t have this problem if i was dead

I’M NOT !! HAVING A HEART !!! ATTACK THIS ! IS A ! PANIC ATT!!!ACK I SWEAR TO FUC!!KING GOD IT ! FEELS LIKE I’M DYING I CAN’T !!! BREATHE INHALE ONE TWO THREE FOUR !! FIVE EXHALE ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE INHALE ONE TWO !!! THREE FOUR FIVE EXHALE ONE TWO THREE FOUR !! FIVE INHALE ONE TWO

everybody abandoned me

!!!INHALE !!! ONE !!! TWO !!! THREE FOUR !! FIVE EXHALE !!ONE TWO THREE FOUR !!! FIVE INHALE ONE TWO !! THREE !! STOP FUCKING WITH ME !!! FOUR FIVE EXHALE !! ONE TWO THREE FOUR ! FIVE INHALE ONE ! TWO THREE FOUR !! FIVE EXHALE I HATE ! YOU ONE TWO THREE ! FOUR FIVE

i’m a burden to everyone

and a failure

my family is embarrassed by me
and doesn’t want me around
that’s why they kicked me out

!!!!!INHALE!!!!! ONE !!!!!TWO!!!!! THREE!!!! FOUR !!!!FIVE !!!GOD? !!!EXHALE !!!ONE!!!! TWO !!!!THREE!!! FOUR !!!!FIVE !!!GOD ARE YOU THERE??!!! INHALE !!ONE!!! TWO!! THREE FOUR!! FIVE !!!GOD PLEASE!! EXHALE ONE!! TWO THREE !!FOUR FIVE! INHALE ONE !!TWO !THREE FOUR FIVE !!GOD I CAN’T !DO THIS AGAIN! EXHALE !ONE TWO THREE FOUR !FIVE

i suck

i wish i wasn’t alive right now

!!!!!!!!!!FUCK!!!!!!! THE CHEST PAINS!!!!!! THIS IS SO STUPID!!!!!!! GOD ARE YOU THERE!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!! CAN YOU SEND ME A PEACE!!!!! A PEACE THAT PASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING!!!!!!! I NEED SOME SERENITY NOW YOU OMNIPOTENT MOTHE–!!!!!!!! PLEASE HELP ME GOD!!!!!! I’M FREAKING OUT!!!!! I CAN’T SLEEP!!!!!! I’VE GOT AN IMPORTANT TEST!!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE MY I’M ABOUT TO DIE!!!!!!!

i wish i was dead

god

please make it stop

please

*Heaven IT Team™ Break Room*

*VP of Operations Uriel™ pokes his head in and sees Kevin™ with laser crumbs on his shirt*

“Hey, did you restart the MegaSwitchBoard™ after the update?” asked Uriel

*Kevin™ brushes the crumbs off his shirt*

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhh… hmmm…. shoot. Forgot. I’ll get right on that”
said Kevin™.

*wildlife trail cam picks up figure under the covers flipping from right side to left side at 5:26 am*