Dave Griffin

The Prodigal

Whale Vomit Pt. 2 Gordian Knots

Fucking Nineveh.

Btw, as bad as you could imagine being stuck inside a whale is…

it’s actually worse than that.

Significantly.

Exponentially.


Worse. Than what your worst imagination is.


0/10.


no stars.


do not recommend.


I should have charged my phone before I jumped thatwassostupid!


Whatever.


Got no signal anyway.


I’m wide awake.


It’s dark in here.


I can’t move.


Weird things are touching my feet.


And it’s gonna be awhile until we get to where this stupid whale is taking me.


You’re an asshole, God.


Did you know that?


Of course you know that.


You’re omnipotent.


I’m so fucking tired of arguing with omnipotent entities…

… y’all think you know everything.


WHY.

OF ALL PLACES.

DO I HAVE TO GO TO NINEVEH?!?


Do you have any idea how many different groups of people I know back there that will not want to hear a thing I have to say?!?


Do you realize how many people I’m gonna piss off?


Friends.


People I love.


Colleagues.


Family members.


Fans!


I’ve got friend groups that don’t know about each other and don’t like each other.


And you’re gonna force me to publicly declare a side is wrong by outing myself.


Are you crazy?


I would never do that to you, fwiw.


Just in case you ever wonder which of us is more humane, God…

I would never force you to go to Nineveh.


Did it ever occur to you that I’m just trying to survive on this planet and you’re actively making my limited time here worse?


I’m now inside a fucking whale.


Why are you making my existence more difficult than it has to be, Old Sky Dude?


IT WAS ALREADY DIFFICULT ENOUGH, IN CASE YOU FORGOT…


Big.


Powerful organizations.


With hundreds and thousands of employees and affiliates across an entire continent.


People with jobs.


Careers.


Mortgages.


Orthodontist bills for their kids.


Big, powerful, organizations that have lawyers.

Teams of lawyers.


Their lawyers have kids with shitty teeth, too!


And my colleagues.


My favorite people on earth.


The ones that taught me the art form.


How do I… how– do you have any fucking idea how hard it is finding a steady paycheck in this industry for 35 years?


It’s impossible.


I can not harm the people I love.


And now I’m working for this opposing political party that the old powerful organization is actively fighting against.


And the old organization has done things that have hurt people I know now.


Friends and colleagues I love today who would be harmed by my associations of the past.


Deeply, deeply hurt.


They would feel betrayed to know I worked with that organization.

It could kill everything I’m trying to build.


And then my family.

My nuclear family and everyone I grew up with.

And then my current family… and extended family.

Because they’re at least 51% of the problem and how the hell do I not completely get destroyed here from every direction?


And then… you knew I made that show thing for the organization, right God?


Yeah, well there’s fans.

Did you know that?

Do you know how rare it is for an actor to actually have fans?

People love that show.

And it’s a kid’s show for crying out loud and they still make it.


THINK OF THE CHILDREN, FOR YOUR’S SAKE!


And you know how much I like to swear, you omnipotent motherfucker.


How do I do this without causing harm?


Isn’t that the whole point?


Harm reduction?


Is it possible?


Is there any way?


How do I solve this impossible, tangled, mess of a problem that YOU created, btw?


Wellllllll?????


Why


am I asking


an entity


that stuck me


in a fucking


whale?

Clearly comfort is not your concern.


*sigh*

Fucking Nineveh.

Y’all suck.







dave

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11 responses to “Whale Vomit Pt. 2 Gordian Knots”

  1. Lindy Avatar
    Lindy

    I can’t stop reading. I know this was written for me and my brother…two democrats who once thought we were Donna and Jimmy. I’m in a whale too right now. But once I’m out I have a story for you to read. I think you’d like it. It’s about our church as fucking kids. And how we left it. And why we visit it in our thoughts weekly; how we can’t get it out of our heads. Let’s do talk soon, Jimmy? I’ve heard your voice all growing up; I think it’s time you hear mine. Truly,
    -a friend of JJ’s visiting FL

    Reply
    1. dave Avatar
      dave

      Happy to zoom! Glad you’re enjoying it. Would love to hear your story.

      Also at some point one of my goals (if I can get funding) is to create a readers portal/chat room that is self contained in the blog where folks such as yourself can share their stories.

      I want people to see that we’re not alone and a LOT of us were harmed by this system and we need to create our own community of safety to finally break the dam of silence that is holding back a reservoir of righteous anger.

      Welcome to the journey! So glad to have you.

      Reply
      1. dave Avatar
        dave

        Also thank you for being the first person to finally comment on this post hahahahahaha

        Reply
  2. Paula Avatar
    Paula

    This is beautiful.

    I found you on a podcast this week and was immediately sucked in. I was the classic homeschool kid who loved AIO and felt like Jimmy was the friend I never had.
    Still a fucking evangelical but also a hardcore leftie who is furious and torn about *gestures at all things evangelical*

    Thank you for doing this.

    Reply
    1. dave Avatar
      dave

      Welcome Paula,

      I am sorry it is taking me so long to respond as you have beena dedicated commenter and I’ve read and absorbed every word. Been a hard month but I’ve been waiting to tell you how honored I am that you are invested in the project.

      I deeply appreciate your contribution.

      *stares at what you’re gesturing at*

      *rolls up sleeves*

      We’ve got work to do.

      Reply
  3. Melinda Prince Avatar
    Melinda Prince

    Just discovered this from the Focus on Your Own Family podcast. I grew up a die hard AIO fan. When I had kids, they became AIO fans listening to it every night before going to sleep. Until I cancelled our subscription after learning about the evangelical industrial complex.
    Over the years, more and more evangelical things were not sitting right with me. Left church over a year ago after a complete mental burnout breakdown from trying to fit in and look the part.
    Trying to make my way through what I believe now and heal from the absolute fear I was raised in.
    Hearing that Jimmy Barclay has gone through and going through a similar thing is sooooo encouraging! 😆
    Recently I’ve been trying to figure out how much I “come out” to the world in my new beliefs and the fear of what that would mean for family, friendships, etc. I’m not brave. Your bravery just might help push me a little closer to being more open with where I’m at and going.
    Thank you for your honesty and bravery! You were a big part of my childhood, and I guess now my adulthood too!

    Reply
    1. dave Avatar
      dave

      Welcome Melinda!

      So nice to have you here and along for the ride.

      Courage. It’s a helluva thing. It’s something that I believe is intentionally killed in us at a young age by this system.

      As much as evangelicals pretend that they put all their fears in the Lord and trust in him… I think what actually ends up happening is that our nervous systems are damaged by the cult and we are reinforced over the years to NOT have courage. Otherwise we might have the courage to question what we’re involved in, or have the courage to leave it, or the courage to call it out.

      And so many christians think they’re brave for their faith… but they’re actually terrified to leave and have convinced themselves the braver thing is staying put against a world that hates believers.

      If/When I ever get around to writing Volume 4 I will be talking about the time I hung a trial. It was the scariest moment of my life up to that point. I was terrified. I did NOT want to stick my neck out and be the one to receive all the attention and anger. And as we’ll see in that part of my story…, it was the moral dilemma I was struggling with “I believe this man is innocent and everyone wants to hang him” could my moral makeup allow an innocent man to go to prison for life if I stay silent? It’s so much easier to stay silent.

      But… but dammit I was raised a certain way to believe in Truth and if I am silent in the face of an innocent man going to prison… am I then guilty of harming him?

      It took everything I had to be the one to hang the trial. As the years have gone on I tell people that incident forged in me a greater understanding of myself: I didn’t realize I was brave. I found a courage I didn’t know I had deep within me. All I had to do was follow my belief that something was wrong and it was my moral obligation while god is watching me to do the right thing whether I want to or not.

      And I do the same thing here on these pages.

      And if I can find courage so can you and everyone else. A goal of mine is to inspire that courage in folk like yourself.

      Because there is a right and wrong in this world… and we’re the ones who see it and have the right to call it out… and are the ones burdened with obligation to do so or else nobody else will. Just like that trial. If I didn’t stand up and say “stop this” then a man would spend the rest of his life in prison.

      If we do not stand up to this cult they will destroy this nation with their bullshit. The stakes are that high.

      And so it’s not about being “not brave”.

      It’s about being so afraid of what could happen if we remain silent that it impels us to speak.

      And what everyone will learn is what I learned… sometimes the scariest part is the first part. Just speaking out. And once we do we’ll realize we survived the moment, it didn’t kill us, and usually we affect great change and inspire others to have that courage too.

      I bet there’s someone in your life just waiting for someone like you to make that move so it can encourage them to do so as well. That’s my goal here… to lead by example so that others such as yourself can find courage you didn’t know you had as well.

      I believe in your bravery.

      Welcome.

      Reply
      1. Melinda Prince Avatar
        Melinda Prince

        Thank you. I literally, just before reading your reply, wrote a letter to my parents that I’ve needed to write for a long time to help them understand how the faith that was presented to me as child and throughout my formative years brought so much fear into my life. It was a hard letter and barely scratched the surface, but it’s a start. Maybe I am more brave than I think.

        Who’d have thought Jimmy Barclay would still be speaking into my life in a whole new way 30 years later!

        Let’s do this!

        Reply
        1. dave Avatar
          dave

          Congrats!

          You have done the hardest part.

          What happens next… it could be good “we agree with you, Melinda!”

          Or you could be rejected. “You’re going to hell you demon possessed harlot. YOU JUST WANT TO SIN.”

          Sometimes the fallout can be messy.

          One of the readers just posted this blog in a fan FB page and all hell broke loose and he was pretty much destroyed and had to retract his post. It shook him hard.

          But, his sharing it there led over 100+ people to find the blog and start reading.

          Sometimes there is blowback… but guess what, after the discomfort… we still survived.

          I hope your folks are receptive to your message. And if they’re not… hey you ripped off the bandaid and flexed your courage and built that muscle up. Where will that courage take you next?

          Proud of you.

          *raises fist of solidarity*

          Reply
      2. Melinda Prince Avatar
        Melinda Prince

        Literally hearing your podcast today was a catalyst for me even writing that letter!

        Reply
        1. dave Avatar
          dave

          *bows*

          Wanna know how scary it is to write these posts and do these interviews knowing the AIO world is gonna melt down on me and many will forever hate me?

          We are far more courageous than we realize.

          Time to wreck shit.

          *puts on helmet*

          *puts in mouth guard*

          *turns on lasers and smoke machine and lights rainbow sparklers*

          fuck it.

          Let’s fix this mess.

          Reply

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