In our last Davestyle history lesson we learned how the Fucking Pilgrims were the original apocalyptic political cult that infected this continent.

We learned about how whenever they rubbed everyone in society the wrong way with their obnoxious bullshit that they would either leave or take things over so they can create their own Jesustopia where they can have lots of CHARITY all to themselves to keep them alive when their incompetence and insanity would likely have wiped them all out. Hundreds of years worth of CHARITY. And we learned that this was a consistent pattern in this political cult all the way up to the modern era.

And then you read the article at the end of the last piece, right?

Because this is a key moment in the history of this country. It was the decisions of this apocalyptic political cult and their selfish, crooked leaders to remove themselves from society via a political cult private education system and how they created the marketing ploy to use the issue of abortion to get all the Fucking Evangelicals to vote Republican for the rest of their lives. IF YOU DID NOT READ THE FULL ARTICLE PLEASE DO SO NOW.

Alright.

Now that everybody is caught up, it’s time to add the second element of the back story here.

AnchorBabyLand™!

Dave, Dave, Dave… what in the ever-loving fuck are you talking about?

You’re quoting Malcolm X and making Fucking Evangelicals read Politico articles?!? Good God, man. What happened to our little Jimmy?!?

I know. I know. You’re SYDH right now aren’t you?

Just… wait. You’ll see what I mean.

See, a couple decades before the Apocalyptic Political Cult created the Fucking Evangelicals in order to defeat the last true Born Again Christian President… remember which one? It was in the article you just pretended to read.

It wasn’t the Bush Boys. Not Reagan…

Jimmy Carter! Jimmy Carter is probably the last truly Christian president the USA had in the last 50 years. Probably the ONLY actually Christian President in the last 100 years… and I’m being deadly serious here.

And if there’s one thing Fucking Evangelicals can not STAND is actual Christians. Makes them look kinda racist and greedy and selfish. So, ole’ Carter had to go!

But decades before they bounced Carter and signed the deal with the Republican Devil in Reagan, there was another moment where this apocalyptic political cult would benefit from a cultural event that they stumbled into. Just like when they landed on these shores and found huts with skeletons in them showing signs of smallpox and mass burial mounds, they would benefit from a larger European White Supremacy Effort that would aid their Apocalyptic Political Cult Effort.

Post War ‘Merica.

The end of the First Gilded Age in this country, our nation was utterly reeling from the psychopathic greed of the oligarch class that was destroying this country. A handful of wealthy psychopaths abused the labor of an entire nation and made themselves billionaires and bought all the land and people were uneducated and desperate and dying. Just like now.

And so The New Deal came along. I’m not going to get into that entire thing, but mostly want to focus on one particular part of it– the invention of The Suburbs.

Prior to the New Deal Era, this country’s population was divided between city living, and rural living. Tenement slums. Or farms in the middle of nowhere. That’s it.

The First Gilded Age had created a problem for Fucking Evangelicals- back then they were just Fucking Pre-vangelicals. The problem the Gilded Age had caused was that the exploitation was so severe, white people were starting to have a crappier standard of living… they were starting to be treated like the dark-skinned people! And we can’t have that in this country.

And what did we learn about the Fucking Pilgrims? What was their signature behavioral trait? When they didn’t fit in with the political and cultural system… they either burn shit down and take over… or leave.

The New Deal equalized pay. Government programs were created to provide jobs building out the infrastructure of this nation. The richest were forced to pay their taxes like Jesus Christ demanded. Once again, the Federal Government comes along to provide CHARITY to a bunch of racist white people when their incompetent system of capitalism failed them and was killing them.

Patterns people. All thru history the patterns are there… this is why history matters. And why the Fucking Evangelicals don’t want you to learn it.

So, now that they’d received all this CHARITY, AGAIN, what did the Fucking Prevangelicals do?

They looked around at the diverse melting pots of their cities, and all these brown people are starting to want to get paid well, too, and we can’t have that, right?

Soooooooooooooooooo. THEY LEFT.

The Prevangelicals left the cities now that they could finally afford to eat and not die, and they settled into these new villages that had just been constructed especially for them.

The Suburbs.

Not quite city. Not quite rural. Just that perfect amount of NO PEOPLE OF COLOR. All this available land that 300 years of genocide produced. So, they could isolate themselves again and create their own space. The same thing they’d been trying to do in England, Holland, Plymouth, The Confederacy… the same exact thing. Praise Jesus!

These Jesus Lovers really don’t like mingling with others who are not exactly like themselves. Crazy.

Now, the concept of The Suburbs created so many different cultural problems that are wrecking our country today and it would take way too much ink for someone of my lack of academic knowledge to wax on about. So, I want to focus on one particular aspect of it: media.

With the suburbs came the automobile industry. And this new commuting lifestyle. White men would get in their cars and drive to work, be gone all day, and then drive home. An entire demographic… sitting in their cars for hours a day. A captive audience.

The other thing that happened in the suburbs was the development of new churches springing up all over the place for all these white people to get their churchin’ on. Thankfully, Jim Crow was in effect, which meant that these Prevangelicals largely had all these spaces to themselves. Their neighborhoods, their schools, their churches, their grocery stores, and restaurants…

It was a very white world. And very White Christian.

And this was great until the stupid Supreme Court forced all these nice, holy, white people to have to live and go to schools with dark-skinned people again which is the focus of the article that you surely have read by now.

One other thing was occurring at this time that hasn’t been mentioned yet. There were two inventions that would utterly change the White Suburban experience profoundly. Radio. And the Television.

Now, radio had already existed for a few decades, but the birth of television completely transformed the way these suburban Prevangelicals would engage with the world. The TV dinner was introduced. People stayed in their isolation bubbles easier. The standard of living rose. And post war manufacturing was exploding with new inventions like refrigerators and freezers, suddenly nobody needed to grow any food, they could just buy it pre-made. And stay at home watching all 3 channels of very, very, very white content. A captive audience.

So, these Prevangelicals had created this Suburbtopia. Dark-skinned people only came around to do housework and yard work and child care. But, the real lived experience of the White American was an entire world where they literally hardly saw or interacted with anybody of any cultural difference.

And all the media they consumed looked like them, sounded like them, talked like them. They had created the first mass media information bubble. Nowadays this is a popular concept when we refer to the damage social media algorithms are creating by isolating people with different information bubbles. But the Prevangelicals had already done that 60 years before the internet ever really caught on.

The schools they went to, the churches, the tv they watched at home in their neighborhoods… it was this idyllic 1950’s White Utopia.

Sock hops. Poodle skirts. Hot rods. Union jobs. Factories. Wide open brand new freeways. 70% of society in church. Soda Shoppes… hmmm…

An entire generation of white kids grew up on 50’s & 60’s tv shows. Like Andy Griffith. And the Partridge Family… hmmm… This is what the white Prevangelical experience was. This was how they viewed the world. With nary a person of color worshipping a different god in sight.

It was idyllic.

Very little internal social upheaval… until this nasty little war halfway around the world in South East Asia happened. And the social order started changing. The youth weren’t falling in line the way they used to. They didn’t want to go die in some war they were being forced to fight. And colleges were giving all of these kids ideas about protesting and utilizing rights and freedoms to challenge their government. People of color were being granted more access. THEY WERE STARTING TO SHOW UP ON THE TV AND RADIO. Fuck. And then… they started moving into the neighborhoods….

And suddenly this White Prevangelical Utopia is starting to show signs of change. Growth.

And if there’s one thing that we’ve learned that the descendants of the Fucking Pilgrims don’t like, it’s change. Compromise. Sharing. Rebellion against their ideas– they can’t stand that shit.

And so our society was beginning to form 2 distinct divisions. The Ghost of Future Progress. And the Ghost of White Supremacy Past.

And the Prevangelicals are now completely primed… they’re afraid, they’re angry, seems like the government is fucking with them again like taking FORCED PRAYER OUT OF SCHOOLS.

And these poor, decent, honest, hard-working, CHARITY-abusing, racist assholes who drape themselves in crosses and bibles… what are they going to do now? Where’s left to go?

The schools are now teaching things like “don’t be racist” and “maybe the earth is older than 6,000 years” and “ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL” and “Women are not property and should be allowed to have careers” and….

Well.

Those kinds of ideas are very dangerous to an apocalyptic political cult ideologically stuck in the 16th Century.

So, they started creating their own media systems where they can control how many dark-skinned people appear and issues are discussed, and they created their own colleges and schools.

And now they had a name: Fucking Evangelicals™

And a purpose. To take back their country from all this godless intrusion. Restore their New Jerusalem their forefathers had created.

And they were using very ancient tactics of fear– which apocalyptic cultists ALWAYS respond to– and they were delivering these ancient tactics using modern communication systems.

This was the world I was born into in 1977.

A White Suburban Evangelical Bubble of comfort, privilege, and growing fear.

Created by my ancestors. An entire world that already pre-existed so that by the time I came along the lifestyle they chose– ahem– had been normalized across a generation and delivered on a platter to me.

The Baby Boom generation was the first generation in The Suburbs. Heck, the Suburbs are probably responsible for the baby boom. Whole lot easier to procreate when you have extra rooms in the house and food is plentiful, and the neighbors aren’t hearing you moan. Sounds like a Sociology PhD thesis.

But it was their kids… good ole Gen X… that were the ones that never knew any other world ever existed. By the time we came along the Suburbs had always existed. The Orwellian concept “We’ve always lived in the suburbs” an unconscious reality in our world.

And all these white families would have their white anchor babies to ensure these new villages would be passed down through the generations so the control of these parts of Suburbtopia would stay in the hands of these White Evangelicals.

This was the normalized reality I was born and raised in.

My home was White. And Evangelical.

My neighborhood was White. And Evangelical.

My schools were White. And Evangelical.

My churches were White. And Evangelical.

My TV was White. And Evangelical.

And My Radio?

Well.

It’s a funny story.

It was White and Evangelical, too.

Wasn’t it?